dis'n dat: LQQKING for an old DOS Computer program (ideafisher)
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Posted:Mar 11, 2011 2:49 am
Last Updated:Sep 16, 2012 7:39 pm 4847 Views
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Hi everyone,
Long time no see. I am still alive and kicking. [image].
Since retirement I am extremely busy with all sorts of things all day and don't seem to have time to go online as much as I used to. I am missing my office hours when I was able to chat during my lunch break which meant catching chatters during America's mornings and Australian evenings at the same time.
I've reduced my traveling, too as I have many appointments and tasks with my charity work which require my presence. In addition my Mikey ( ) is retired now as well and we keep roaming through the countryside of Austria in our spare time.
Anyway - here my question for you:
Does anybody happen to possess a very old DOS-based computer program called IDEAFISHER ? I would love to buy it. A zipped file would do fine.
Big hug for my chat friends all over the globe !
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Zippygirl going to bring razzle-dazzle to Australia !
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Posted:May 8, 2008 12:32 am
Last Updated:Sep 4, 2016 10:54 am 6013 Views
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Beware dear Aussie cobbers and sheilas ! You better avoid certain areas in Australia soon - Zippy might be swirling through your area !
And here is the schedule:
Tue 13-May arrive Sydney 6:05 am
Wed 14-May Tour: “Sydney to Adelaide” - Sydney to Jindabyne (via Canberra)
Thu 15-May Jindabyne to Lakes Entrance Via Snowy River Country
Fri 16-May Lakes Entrance to Wilsons Promontory NP; MELBOURNE
Sat 17-May Melbourne via Great Ocean Rd to Port Campbell
Sun 18-May Port Campbell to Grampians NP
Mon 19-May Halls Gap to Adelaide: tour ends
Tue 20-May ADELAIDE
Wed 21-May flight ADE-Cairns 12:00
Thu 22-May Barrier Reef ??
Fri 23-May Barrier Reef ??
Sat 24-May Barrier Reef ??
Sun 25-May Flight Cairns to Darwin 13:00
Mon 26-May Darwin; Travellodge
Tue 27-May Camping tour starts :6:30 a.m. Darwin -> Timber Creek
Wed 28-May Bungle Bungles: APT Youth and Adventure Campsite
Thu 29-May Bungle Bungles: APT Youth and Adventure Campsite
Fri 30-May Kunurra: El Questro Station
Sat 31-May Kunurra: El Questro Station
Sun 1-Jun Kimberleys: Bush camp
Mon 2-Jun Kimberleys: Bush camp
Tue 3-Jun Derby: Department of CALM Windjana Gorge NP
Wed 4-Jun Broome: Roebuck Bay Caravan Park
Thu 5-Jun Broome: Roebuck Bay Caravan Park
Fri 6-Jun Port Hedland: Eighty Mile Beach Caravan Park
Sat 7-Jun Como: Department of CALM
Sun 8-Jun Karinji NP:
Mon 9-Jun Coral Bay: Peoples Park Caravan Village
Tue 10-Jun Coral Bay: Peoples Park Caravan Village
Wed 11-Jun Shark Bay: Monkey Mia Dolphin Resort
Thu 12-Jun Kalbarri: Big River Ranch
Fri 13-Jun Kalbarri: Big River Ranch
Sat 14-Jun arrive in Perth: 18:00 Townsend Lodge
Sun 15-Jun Train Perth-ADE dep. 11:50
Mon 16-Jun Train Perth-ADE
Tue 17-Jun ADE: arr.7:25 a.m. flight: ADE->Hobart 14:10. City Central Backpackers
Wed 18-Jun public bus HOB-> Launceston: LAUN Backpackers
Thu 19-Jun Tasmanian Tour: Cradle Mountain Madness
Fri 20-Jun West Coast Wonderland-> Strahan
Sat 21-Jun Tall Trees and Tall Stories-> Hobart
Sun 22-Jun Fun at Freycinet -> Bicheno
Mon 23-Jun The Mysterious North East ->tour ends: LAUN backpackers
Tue 24-Jun flight LAUN-> Melbourne: Miami Hotel
Wed 25-Jun Melbourne: Puffing Billy Tour, Miami Hotel
Thu 26-Jun trip to Bellbrae; MEL airport:17:00 flight back home
I am packing - and my problem at the moment is a weight limitation for 2 of the escorted adventure tours of 15 kg ( about 30 lbs). Since the tours are one way tours there is no way to leave back stuff and pick it up later.
Well,adventure, HERE I COME !!!!
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Dear "You know who you are"
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Posted:Apr 16, 2007 6:04 am
Last Updated:Nov 20, 2020 2:02 pm 8093 Views
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Dear "You know who you are"
A little poll in chatroom the other day encouraged me to write a letter (blog) to you.
To freshen your memory: DO YOU REMEMBER?
In 2004, we were on a friendly basis. When I planned a visit to your country, you kindly offered to drive me around in your area. I sent you money to book a rental car. For some reason the arrangement bounced, which was no problem and had no effect on my trip.
For 2 years now, you keep asserting that you are willing to pay back the amount of EUR 240.00 (which is about US$ 325), but you have been using all sorts of excuses these past months why it could not happen YET.
Apparently you were not able (or willing ?) to send back the money the way it got to you: (using Western Union). Therefore, I gave you my bank details at the beginning of March. Since then you have not answered my emails let alone sent the money. I might seem nosey, but I am really pondering about the reasons:
To shorten the procedure, simply click on the pretext that you’d like to use NOW:
- a continuous strike of all banks in your country made it impossible to make a transfer
- a serious attack of senior moments made you forget all about it
- a dog / a bird dropped its doo-doo on the only available printout that contained the dates you need and unfortunately you already deleted my emails.
- Your computer broke down and you couldn’t answer my urgent request ‒ oops, NO, THAT can’t be it…. I know that you read blogs, as I see that you grant us the pleasure of your wit and wisdom in here.
We DID have already the following lame excuses (so you can’t use them again):
-breakdown of car/ bicycle,
-loss of bag with money on your way to bank,
-bank cannot decipher numbers,…
Dear "you know who you are", believe it or not, I am getting annoyed, and I am afraid I may have to blow your cover of "everybody’s darling" in here pretty soon in order to warn other persons. I can prove everything since I kept all emails, including screenshots of mails via SFF.
Awaiting some reaction (preferably a EUR 240.00 transaction visible on my account.)
Your immediate attention to this matter is urgently requested.
Yours
zippygirl
P.S:..To all who are not meant to be reading this: Yes, zippygirl was pretty naïve and trusting.
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English is universal, isn't it (and entertaining, too)
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Posted:Jan 20, 2007 10:50 pm
Last Updated:Jan 27, 2018 11:46 am 5466 Views
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Western Europe:
cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE IN THE BAR.
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
Hotel, Vienna: IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.
At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
Hotel lobby, Bucharest: THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.
Doctor's office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
A laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
In an Italian cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Hotel brochure, Italy: THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.
In a Swiss Mountain inn: SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.
Hotel, Zurich: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE \bsexo?\b IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT \bsexo?\b, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer in Germany: DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.
On the grounds of a private school in Scotland: NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.
Hotel elevator, Paris: PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.
Eastern Europe
Hotel, Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
Hotel catering to skiers, Austria: NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION.
Taken from a menu, Poland: SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION.
From the "Soviet Weekly": HERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.
Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: TAKE ONE OF OUR -DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.
Australia & New Zealand
(say, don't they speak English there?)
On a poster in Sydney : ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.
In a New Zealand restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.
On a highway sign in Australia: TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER; THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
Far East
Supermarket, Hong Kong: FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.
An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.
Booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan: COOLES AND HEATES; IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.
Translated from Japanese to English and included in the instructions for a soap bubble gun: WHILE SOLUTION IS NOT TOXIC IT WILL NOT MAKE EDIBLE.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIORS IN BED.
Hotel, Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Car rental brochure, Tokyo: WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.
In a Tokyo bar: SPECIAL cockTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
In a Bangkok temple: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand: PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.
Africa
In an East African newspaper: A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.
In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On a South African building: MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.
In a South African maternity ward: NO ALLOWED.
Mexico and South America
Hotel, Acapulco: THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.
In a restaurant window: "DON'T STAND THERE AND BE HUNGRY. COME ON IN AND GET FED UP."
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BRITS REVOKE USA INDEPENDENCE
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Posted:Sep 25, 2006 4:05 am
Last Updated:Jan 27, 2018 11:48 am 5628 Views
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BRITS REVOKE USA INDEPENDENCE
(A Message from John Cleese To the citizens of the United States of America):
(Zippygirl loves both her American and British buddies/pals...nontheless I just LOVE the differences being pointed out this way  )
…… we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary).
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.
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Costello Wants to buy a Computer from Abbott
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Posted:Sep 22, 2006 3:53 am
Last Updated:Sep 16, 2012 7:45 pm 5442 Views
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Costello Wants to buy a Computer from Abbott
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the names Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my names Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend office with windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, lets just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I
need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If its a long movie I also want to see reel 2,3&4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great, with what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO; OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1."
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1."
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. but its the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping you have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?
ABBOTT: money.
COSTELLO: money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not; they own it.
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Important know how for female users of computer progams
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Posted:Sep 9, 2006 9:52 am
Last Updated:Mar 15, 2021 6:10 am 5591 Views
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Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance-particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed
undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail.
What can i do?
Signed, Desperate
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Try to enter the command:
C: /I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME to Download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0.
In case this does not help we advice to download EXPERT LOVER 6.9 which should fix most of your problems at once.
Tech Support
Manager
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AS SMART AS YOU ARE....
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Posted:Aug 29, 2006 3:47 am
Last Updated:Sep 12, 2006 3:59 am 5398 Views
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AS SMART AS YOU ARE....I BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW ...
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
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Coca-Cola was originally green.
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It is impossible to lick your elbow.
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The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska!
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The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
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The cost of raising a medium-size to the age of eleven: $6,400
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The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
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The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
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Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
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111,111,111 X 111,111,111 equals 12345678987654321
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If a statue in the park of a person on a has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
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Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
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"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
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Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
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Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception.
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Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
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Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
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Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.
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Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
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Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
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Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic?
A. He was allergic to carrots.
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Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?
A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.
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In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "Goodnight, sleep tight".
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It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his -in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month we know today as the honeymoon.
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In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
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Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
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In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.
GOTTCHA !!!!!!!!!!!!!
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What is the Internet (WARNING: this non-blog is a real loooooong one !)
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Posted:Aug 23, 2006 2:46 am
Last Updated:Sep 8, 2006 4:28 am 5616 Views
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What Is The Internet?
~FAQ For Beginners~
Q: What's a FAQ?
A: It means "Frequently Asked Questions."
Q: Oh, so it's not a dirty word then?
A: No, it just sounds a bit like one.
Q: So, What, exactly, is the Internet?
A: The Internet is a worldwide network of university,
government, business, and private computer systems.
Q: Who runs it?
A: A 12-year-old named Kevin.
Q: How can I get on the Internet?
A: The easiest way is to sign up with one of the popular commercial
"on-line" services, such as AOL, CompuServe, Netscape Online, or
BT Internet. They will give you their program disks for free.
Or, if you just leave your house unlocked, they'll sneak in some
night and install their programs on your computer when you're
sleeping. They are really desperate for your business with them.
Q: What are the benefits of these services?
A:The major benefit is that they all have simple,
"user-friendly" interfaces that enable you -- even if you have no
previous computer experience -- to provide the online services
with the information they need to automatically put monthly charges
on your credit card bill forever.
Q: What if I die?
A: They don't care.
Q: Can't I cancel my account?
A: Of course! You can cancel your account at anytime.
Q: How?
A: Nobody has ever been able to find out. Some of us have been
trying for years to cancel our online service accounts, but no
matter what we do, the charges keep appearing on our bills.
We're thinking of entering the Federal Witness Protection Program.
Q: What if I have ?
A: You'll want an anesthetic, because childbirth really hurts.
Q: No, I mean ... what if my also use my Internet
account?
A: You should just sign your house and major internal organs
over to the online service right now.
Q: Aside from running up charges, what else can I do once
I'm connected to an online service?
A: Millions of things! An incredible array of things!
No end to the number of things you can do!
Q: Like what?
A: You can ... ummmm ... OK! I have one! You can chat.
Q: Chat?
A: Chat.
Q: I can already chat. I chat with my friends.
A. Yes, but on the Internet, which connects millions of people
all over the entire globe, you can chat with total strangers,
most of whom are boring and stupid!
Q: Sounds great! How does it work?
A: Well, first you decide which type of area you wish to chat in.
Some areas are just for general chatting, and some are for specific
interest groups, such as Teens, Poets, Cat Lovers, Religious People,
Gays, Gay Teens Who Read Religious Poetry to Cats, and of course,
Guys Having Pointless Arguments About Sports. At any given moment,
an area can contain anywhere from two to dozens of people, who use
clever fake names such as "ByteMe2" so nobody will l know their real
identities.
Q: What are their real identities?
A: They represent an incredible range of people, people of all ages,
in all kinds of fascinating fields from scientists to singers, from
writers to wranglers, from actors to athletes -- you could be talking
to almost anybody on the Internet!
Q: Really?
A: No. I lied. By the way, get used to that. You're almost
always talking to losers and hormone-crazed 13 year-old boys.
But they *pretend* to be writers, cowboys, scientists, doctors,
lawyers,
singers/song writers, etc.
Q: What do people talk about in chat areas?
A: Most chat-area discussions revolve around the fascinating topic
of who is entering and leaving the chat area. A secondary, but
equally fascinating topic is where everybody lives. Also, for a
wild change of pace, every now and then the discussion is
interrupted by a hormone-crazed 13 year-old boy wishing to talk
dirty to women -- or to other 13 year-old boys. To give you an
idea of how scintillating the repartee can be, here's a re-creation
of a typical chat area dialogue:
LilBrisket: Hi everybody!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wazootyman: Hi LilBrisket
Toadster: Hi Bris
Lungftook: Hi B
LilBrisket: What's going on?????????????
Toadster: Not much
Lungftook: Pretty quiet
(LONG PAUSE)
Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas?
LilBrisket: No
Toadster: Nope
Lungftook: Sorry
1ToAnnoy: Texas sucks
(LONG PAUSE)
UvulaBob: Hi everybody
Toadster: Hi UvulaBob
Lungftook: Hi Uvula
LilBrisket: Hi UB
Wazootyman: Hi U
UvulaBob: What's happening?
LilBrisket: Kinda slow
Toadster: Same old same old
Lungflook: Pretty quiet
Jason56243837: LilBrisket, take off your panties
LilBrisket: OK, but I'm a man
1ToAnnoy: Brisket u suck
(LONG PAUSE)
Wazootyman: UvulaBob, are you from Texas?
UvulaBob: No.
1ToAnnoy: Texas sucks
(LONG PAUSE)
Lungftook: Well, gotta run.
Toadster: 'bye, Lungflook
LilBrisket: Take 'er easy, Lungster
Wazootyman: See ya around, Lung
UvulaBob: So long, L
1ToAnnoy: Bye Lung
(LONG PAUSE)
PolypMaster: Hi everybody
LilBrisket: Hey, PolypMaster
Toadster: Yo, Polyp
UvulaBob: Hi, P
PolypMaster: What's going on?
1ToAnnoy: polyps suck
LilBrisket: Not much
Toadster: Pretty quiet
UvulaBob: Kinda slow ...
And so it goes in the chat areas, hour after riveting hour, where
the ideas flow fast and furious, and at any moment you could learn
some fascinating nugget of global-network information, such as
whether or not PolypMaster comes from Texas.
Q: I've heard that people sometimes use Internet chat areas to have
"cybersex." What exactly is that?
A: This is when two people send explicitly steamy messages to each
other, back and forth, back and forth, faster and faster, hotter
and hotter, faster and faster and hotter and harder and harder
until OHHHH GODDDDDDDD!!!! They suddenly find that they have
a bad case of sticky keyboard, if you get my drift.
Q: That's disgusting!
A: Yes.
Q: Could you give an example?
A: Certainly.
Born2Bone: I want you NOW
HunniBunni: I want YOU now
Born2Bone: I want to take off your clothes
HunniBunni: Yes! YES!
Born2Bone: I'm taking off your clothes
HunniBunni: OH YESSSS
(LONG PAUSE)
HunniBunni: Is something wrong?
Born2Bone: I can't unhook your bra
HunniBunni: I'll do it
Born2Bone: Thanks. Oh my god! I'm touching your,umm, your...
HunniBunni: Copious bosoms?
Born2Bone: Yes! I'm touching ur tits
1ToAnnoy: Tits suck
HunniBunni: YES!
Born2Bone: Both of them!
HunniBunni: YESSS!!
Born2Bone: I'm taking off your panties!
HunniBunni: I'm not wearing any
Born2Bone: Oh, OK. You're naked! I'm touching your nakedness!
HunniBunni: YESSSSSS!!!
Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas?
Born2Bone: No
HunniBunni: No
1ToAnnoy: Texas sucks
Born2Bone: I am becoming turgid in my manfulness!
HunniBunni: YES! YES YOU ARE!! YOU ARE A BULL! YOU ARE MY
GREAT BIG RAGING BULL STALLION!
Wazootyman: Hey, thanks
HunniBunni: Not you, Waz!!!!!
Born2Bone: I AM A STALLION! I AM A RAGING, BULGING BULL
STALLION, AND I AM THRUSTING MY ... MY ... ummm ...
HunniBunni: Your love knockwurst?
1ToAnnoy: Wazoo, you suck
Born2Bone: YES! I AM THRUSTING MY LOVE KNOCKWURST
INTO YOUR ... YOUR...
HunniBunni: Promise you won't laugh?
Born2Bone: Yes
HunniBunni: My passion persimmon
Born2Bone: LMAO
HunniBunni: You promised!
1ToAnnoy: Persimmons suck
Born2Bone: Sorry. OK, here goes I AM THRUSTING MY MASSIVE
KNOCKWURST OF LOVE INTO YOUR PASSION PERSIMMON!
HunniBunni: YES! YES! YES!
Born2Bone: OHHH! IT FEELS SO GOOD!! I FEEL POWERFUL!!
HunniBunni: YOU ARE POWERFUL, BORN2BONE!! I FEEL YOUR
POWER INSIDE ME!!!
Born2Bone: IT FEELS LIKE, LIKE ...
HunniBunni: Like what?
Born2Bone: IT FEELS JUST LIKE, OHMIGOD ... OHMIGOD ...
HunniBunni: TELL ME, BORN2BONE!! TELL WHAT IT FEELS
LIKE!!
Born2Bone: OH LORD IT FEELS LIKE... IT FEELS LIKE WHEN I
USED TO BREAK A TIE VOTE IN THE SENATE!
HunniBunni: What did you say?
Born2Bone: Whoops
HunniBunni: It feels like when you used to break a tie vote in
the Senate???????
Born2Bone: Umm, listen, what I meant was ...
HunniBunni: This is you, isn't it, Al? ISN'T IT?? YOU JERK!!!
YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE ATTENDING A STATE FUNERAL
THIS AFTERNOON!!!
Born2Bone: Tipper?
HunniBunni: Whoops
1ToAnnoy: You guys suck
Q: Aside from chatting, what else can I do on the Internet?
A: You can join one of the thousands of forums wherein people,
by posting messages, discuss political topics of the day.
Q: Like what?
A: Barry Manilow.
Q: There's a forum for Barry Manilow?
A: There's a forum for everything.
Q: What happens on these forums?
A: Well, on the Barry Manilow forum, for example, fans post
messages about how much they love Barry Manilow, and other fans
respond by posting messages about how much they love Barry
Manilow, too. And then sometimes the forum is invaded by people
posting messages about how much they hate Barry Manilow, which
in turn, leads to angry counter messages and vicious name-calling
that can go on for months.
Q: Just like junior high school!
A: But even more pointless.
Q: Are there forums about sex?
A: Zillions of 'em.
Q: What do people talk about on those?
A: Barry Manilow.
Q: No, really.
A: OK, they talk about sex, but it is not all titillating. Often,
you'll find highly scientific discussions that expand the frontiers
of human understanding.
Q: It is a beautiful thing, the Internet.
A: Indeed it is.
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WAYS TO SAY SOMEONE'S NOT TOO BRIGHT
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Posted:Aug 16, 2006 4:23 am
Last Updated:Jan 6, 2014 4:47 pm 5796 Views
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The wheel is spinning, but the hamster is dead.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
A few cans short of a six-pack.
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
One taco short of a combination plate.
All foam, no beer.
As smart as bait.
Not the sharpest tool in the shed.
A room temperature IQ.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't anywhere in sight.
If he/she were any more stupid, he'd/she'd have to be watered twice a week.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he/she just gargled.
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