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What is the Internet (WARNING: this non-blog is a real loooooong one !) What Is The Internet? ~FAQ For Beginners~ Q: What's a FAQ? A: It means "Frequently Asked Questions." Q: Oh, so it's not a dirty word then? A: No, it just sounds a bit like one. Q: So, What, exactly, is the Internet? A: The Internet is a worldwide network of university, government, business, and private computer systems. Q: Who runs it? A: A 12-year-old named Kevin. Q: How can I get on the Internet? A: The easiest way is to sign up with one of the popular commercial "on-line" services, such as AOL, CompuServe, Netscape Online, or BT Internet. They will give you their program disks for free. Or, if you just leave your house unlocked, they'll sneak in some night and install their programs on your computer when you're sleeping. They are really desperate for your business with them. Q: What are the benefits of these services? A:The major benefit is that they all have simple, "user-friendly" interfaces that enable you -- even if you have no previous computer experience -- to provide the online services with the information they need to automatically put monthly charges on your credit card bill forever. Q: What if I die? A: They don't care. Q: Can't I cancel my account? A: Of course! You can cancel your account at anytime. Q: How? A: Nobody has ever been able to find out. Some of us have been trying for years to cancel our online service accounts, but no matter what we do, the charges keep appearing on our bills. We're thinking of entering the Federal Witness Protection Program. Q: What if I have ? A: You'll want an anesthetic, because childbirth really hurts. Q: No, I mean ... what if my also use my Internet account? A: You should just sign your house and major internal organs over to the online service right now. Q: Aside from running up charges, what else can I do once I'm connected to an online service? A: Millions of things! An incredible array of things! No end to the number of things you can do! Q: Like what? A: You can ... ummmm ... OK! I have one! You can chat. Q: Chat? A: Chat. Q: I can already chat. I chat with my friends. A. Yes, but on the Internet, which connects millions of people all over the entire globe, you can chat with total strangers, most of whom are boring and stupid! Q: Sounds great! How does it work? A: Well, first you decide which type of area you wish to chat in. Some areas are just for general chatting, and some are for specific interest groups, such as Teens, Poets, Cat Lovers, Religious People, Gays, Gay Teens Who Read Religious Poetry to Cats, and of course, Guys Having Pointless Arguments About Sports. At any given moment, an area can contain anywhere from two to dozens of people, who use clever fake names such as "ByteMe2" so nobody will l know their real identities. Q: What are their real identities? A: They represent an incredible range of people, people of all ages, in all kinds of fascinating fields from scientists to singers, from writers to wranglers, from actors to athletes -- you could be talking to almost anybody on the Internet! Q: Really? A: No. I lied. By the way, get used to that. You're almost always talking to losers and hormone-crazed 13 year-old boys. But they *pretend* to be writers, cowboys, scientists, doctors, lawyers, singers/song writers, etc. Q: What do people talk about in chat areas? A: Most chat-area discussions revolve around the fascinating topic of who is entering and leaving the chat area. A secondary, but equally fascinating topic is where everybody lives. Also, for a wild change of pace, every now and then the discussion is interrupted by a hormone-crazed 13 year-old boy wishing to talk dirty to women -- or to other 13 year-old boys. To give you an idea of how scintillating the repartee can be, here's a re-creation of a typical chat area dialogue: LilBrisket: Hi everybody!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wazootyman: Hi LilBrisket Toadster: Hi Bris Lungftook: Hi B LilBrisket: What's going on????????????? Toadster: Not much Lungftook: Pretty quiet (LONG PAUSE) Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas? LilBrisket: No Toadster: Nope Lungftook: Sorry 1ToAnnoy: Texas sucks (LONG PAUSE) UvulaBob: Hi everybody Toadster: Hi UvulaBob Lungftook: Hi Uvula LilBrisket: Hi UB Wazootyman: Hi U UvulaBob: What's happening? LilBrisket: Kinda slow Toadster: Same old same old Lungflook: Pretty quiet Jason56243837: LilBrisket, take off your panties LilBrisket: OK, but I'm a man 1ToAnnoy: Brisket u suck (LONG PAUSE) Wazootyman: UvulaBob, are you from Texas? UvulaBob: No. 1ToAnnoy: Texas sucks (LONG PAUSE) Lungftook: Well, gotta run. Toadster: 'bye, Lungflook LilBrisket: Take 'er easy, Lungster Wazootyman: See ya around, Lung UvulaBob: So long, L 1ToAnnoy: Bye Lung (LONG PAUSE) PolypMaster: Hi everybody LilBrisket: Hey, PolypMaster Toadster: Yo, Polyp UvulaBob: Hi, P PolypMaster: What's going on? 1ToAnnoy: polyps suck LilBrisket: Not much Toadster: Pretty quiet UvulaBob: Kinda slow ... And so it goes in the chat areas, hour after riveting hour, where the ideas flow fast and furious, and at any moment you could learn some fascinating nugget of global-network information, such as whether or not PolypMaster comes from Texas. Q: I've heard that people sometimes use Internet chat areas to have "cybersex." What exactly is that? A: This is when two people send explicitly steamy messages to each other, back and forth, back and forth, faster and faster, hotter and hotter, faster and faster and hotter and harder and harder until OHHHH GODDDDDDDD!!!! They suddenly find that they have a bad case of sticky keyboard, if you get my drift. Q: That's disgusting! A: Yes. Q: Could you give an example? A: Certainly. Born2Bone: I want you NOW HunniBunni: I want YOU now Born2Bone: I want to take off your clothes HunniBunni: Yes! YES! Born2Bone: I'm taking off your clothes HunniBunni: OH YESSSS (LONG PAUSE) HunniBunni: Is something wrong? Born2Bone: I can't unhook your bra HunniBunni: I'll do it Born2Bone: Thanks. Oh my god! I'm touching your,umm, your... HunniBunni: Copious bosoms? Born2Bone: Yes! I'm touching ur tits 1ToAnnoy: Tits suck HunniBunni: YES! Born2Bone: Both of them! HunniBunni: YESSS!! Born2Bone: I'm taking off your panties! HunniBunni: I'm not wearing any Born2Bone: Oh, OK. You're naked! I'm touching your nakedness! HunniBunni: YESSSSSS!!! Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas? Born2Bone: No HunniBunni: No 1ToAnnoy: Texas sucks Born2Bone: I am becoming turgid in my manfulness! HunniBunni: YES! YES YOU ARE!! YOU ARE A BULL! YOU ARE MY GREAT BIG RAGING BULL STALLION! Wazootyman: Hey, thanks HunniBunni: Not you, Waz!!!!! Born2Bone: I AM A STALLION! I AM A RAGING, BULGING BULL STALLION, AND I AM THRUSTING MY ... MY ... ummm ... HunniBunni: Your love knockwurst? 1ToAnnoy: Wazoo, you suck Born2Bone: YES! I AM THRUSTING MY LOVE KNOCKWURST INTO YOUR ... YOUR... HunniBunni: Promise you won't laugh? Born2Bone: Yes HunniBunni: My passion persimmon Born2Bone: LMAO HunniBunni: You promised! 1ToAnnoy: Persimmons suck Born2Bone: Sorry. OK, here goes I AM THRUSTING MY MASSIVE KNOCKWURST OF LOVE INTO YOUR PASSION PERSIMMON! HunniBunni: YES! YES! YES! Born2Bone: OHHH! IT FEELS SO GOOD!! I FEEL POWERFUL!! HunniBunni: YOU ARE POWERFUL, BORN2BONE!! I FEEL YOUR POWER INSIDE ME!!! Born2Bone: IT FEELS LIKE, LIKE ... HunniBunni: Like what? Born2Bone: IT FEELS JUST LIKE, OHMIGOD ... OHMIGOD ... HunniBunni: TELL ME, BORN2BONE!! TELL WHAT IT FEELS LIKE!! Born2Bone: OH LORD IT FEELS LIKE... IT FEELS LIKE WHEN I USED TO BREAK A TIE VOTE IN THE SENATE! HunniBunni: What did you say? Born2Bone: Whoops HunniBunni: It feels like when you used to break a tie vote in the Senate??????? Born2Bone: Umm, listen, what I meant was ... HunniBunni: This is you, isn't it, Al? ISN'T IT?? YOU JERK!!! YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE ATTENDING A STATE FUNERAL THIS AFTERNOON!!! Born2Bone: Tipper? HunniBunni: Whoops 1ToAnnoy: You guys suck Q: Aside from chatting, what else can I do on the Internet? A: You can join one of the thousands of forums wherein people, by posting messages, discuss political topics of the day. Q: Like what? A: Barry Manilow. Q: There's a forum for Barry Manilow? A: There's a forum for everything. Q: What happens on these forums? A: Well, on the Barry Manilow forum, for example, fans post messages about how much they love Barry Manilow, and other fans respond by posting messages about how much they love Barry Manilow, too. And then sometimes the forum is invaded by people posting messages about how much they hate Barry Manilow, which in turn, leads to angry counter messages and vicious name-calling that can go on for months. Q: Just like junior high school! A: But even more pointless. Q: Are there forums about sex? A: Zillions of 'em. Q: What do people talk about on those? A: Barry Manilow. Q: No, really. A: OK, they talk about sex, but it is not all titillating. Often, you'll find highly scientific discussions that expand the frontiers of human understanding. Q: It is a beautiful thing, the Internet. A: Indeed it is. |
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