SPAGHETTI!!!!!
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Posted:Apr 14, 2013 6:32 pm
Last Updated:May 5, 2013 12:57 pm 3431 Views
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For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the .
If she stayed in Italy to raise the , he would also provide support until the turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the
support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.
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HEY LIBERALS... YOUR LEADER IS SPEAKING MORE CACA
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Posted:Mar 19, 2013 7:14 pm
Last Updated:Mar 20, 2013 3:44 pm 3450 Views
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We lost seven brave Marines last night in a terrible explosion at the Hawthorne Army Depot in western Nevada. Today Nevada Sen. Harry Reid gave a statement that, in so many words, blamed the accident on Sequestration.
"HARRY REID: As I indicated, it was quite a big explosion. We’ll follow this news very closely. I will do whatever I can going forward to support the United States military and the families of the fallen Marines.
Mr. President, it’s very important we continue training our military, so important. But one of the things in sequester is we cut back in training and maintenance. That’s the way sequester was written."
Allahpundit at Hot Air writes about the Marine Corps reaction, "They’re none too pleased that the Senate majority leader is using dead Marines to push his talking points, especially since the training accident had nothing to do with spending cuts."
Harry Reid has NO shame... and he doesn't care who knows it.
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FRIDAY FUNNY
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Posted:Mar 15, 2013 10:05 pm
Last Updated:Apr 14, 2013 6:32 pm 3362 Views
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Once there was this guy from Wisconsin who took a vacation to Texas. While there, he met up with a .
He got down and dirty with her. Afterwards, the said: "100 dollars." The guy said: "No, here is $200." The responded: "You're so kind."
Some days pass, and the guy met up with the same again and had sex again. The asked for $100, but the guy again says: "No, here's $200." The says: "You're so kind."
More days pass, and the guy met up with the one last time to have sex. The says: "$100, please." The guy slaps her and hands her $200. The says: " you're so kind. Where are you from?" Guy says: "I'm from Wisconsin." The says: "I am from there too."
The guy says: "I know, your mom sent me to give you $600."
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thursday funny
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Posted:Mar 14, 2013 7:03 pm
Last Updated:Mar 15, 2013 10:04 pm 3502 Views
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David feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
(I just love this!!)
'Dammit, David, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'
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HAIL OBAMAGEDDON, THE SKY IS FALLING, DOOMSDAY. THE END OF THE EARTH
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Posted:Mar 1, 2013 9:28 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2013 7:32 pm 3776 Views
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By C Krauthammer,
“The worst-case scenario for us,” a leading anti-budget-cuts lobbyist told The Post, “is the sequester hits and nothing bad really happens.”
Think about that. Worst case? That a government drowning in debt should cut back by 2.2 percent — and the country survives. That a government now borrowing 35 cents of every dollar it spends reduces that borrowing by two cents “and nothing bad really happens.” Oh, the humanity!
A normal citizen might think this a good thing. For reactionary liberalism, however, whatever sum our ever-inflating government happens to spend today (now double what Bill Clinton spent in his last year) is the Platonic ideal — the reduction of which, however minuscule, is a national calamity.
Or damn well should be. Otherwise, people might get the idea that we can shrink government and live on.
Hence the president’s message. If the “sequestration” — automatic spending cuts — goes into effect, the skies will fall. Plane travel jeopardized, carrier groups beached, teachers furloughed. And a shortage of junk-touching TSA agents.
The Obama administration has every incentive to make the sky fall, lest we suffer that terrible calamity — cuts the nation survives. Are they threatening to pare back consultants, conferences, travel and other nonessential fluff? Hardly. It shall be air-traffic control. Meat inspection. Weather forecasting.
A 2011 Government Accountability Office report gave a sampling of the vastness of what could be cut, consolidated and rationalized in Washington: 44 overlapping job training programs, 18 for nutrition assistance, 82 (!) on teacher quality, 56 dealing with financial literacy, more than 20 for homelessness, etc. Total annual cost: $100 billion-$200 billion, about two to five times the entire domestic sequester.
Are these on the chopping block? No sir. It’s firemen first. That’s the phrase coined in 1976 by legendary Washington Monthly editor Charlie Peters to describe the way government functionaries beat back budget cuts. Dare suggest a nick in the city budget, and the mayor immediately shuts down the firehouse. The DMV back office, stacked with nepotistic incompetents, remains intact. Shrink it and no one would notice. Sell the firetruck — the people scream and the city council falls silent about any future cuts.
After all, the sequester is just one-half of 1 percent of GDP. It amounts to 1.4 cents on the dollar of nondefense spending, 2 cents overall.
Because of this year’s payroll tax increase, millions of American workers have had to tighten their belts by precisely 2 percent. They found a way. Washington, spending $3.8 trillion, cannot? If so, we might as well declare bankruptcy now and save the attorneys’ fees.
The problem with sequestration, of course, is that the cuts are across the board and do not allow money to move between accounts. It’s dumb because it doesn’t discriminate.
Fine. Then change the law. That’s why we have a Congress. Discriminate. Prioritize. That’s why we have budgets. Except that the Democratic Senate hasn’t passed one in four years. And the White House, which proposed the sequester in the first place, had 18 months to establish rational priorities among accounts — and did nothing.
When the GOP House passed an alternative that cut where the real money is — entitlement spending — President Obama threatened a veto. Meaning, he would have insisted that the sequester go into effect — the very same sequester he now tells us will bring on Armageddon.
Good grief. The entire sequester would have reduced last year’s deficit from $1.33 trillion to $1.24 trillion. A fraction of a fraction. Nonetheless, insists Obama, such a cut is intolerable. It has to be “balanced” — i.e., largely replaced — by yet more taxes.
Which demonstrates that, for Obama, this is not about deficit reduction, which interests him not at all. The purpose is purely political: to complete his Election Day victory by breaking the Republican opposition.
At the fiscal cliff, Obama broke — and split — the Republicans on taxes. With the sequester, he intends to break them on spending. Make the cuts as painful as possible, and watch the Republicans come crawling for a “balanced” (i.e., tax-hiking) deal.
In the past two years, House Republicans stopped cold Obama’s left-liberal agenda. Break them now, and the road is open to resume enactment of the expansive, entitlement-state liberalism that Obama proclaimed in his second inaugural address.
But he cannot win if “nothing bad really happens.” Indeed, he’d look both foolish and cynical for having cried wolf.
Obama’s incentive to deliberately make the most painful and socially disruptive cuts possible (say, oh, releasing illegal immigrants from prison) is enormous. And alarming.
HAIL OMABAGEDDON
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FRIDAY FUNNY
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Posted:Mar 1, 2013 8:07 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2013 7:33 pm 3395 Views
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The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.
The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chiefs' weenie and began to work back.
"Dear Lord," he suddenly exclaimed, ''Where are your testicles?''
The old Chief calmly replied, "In Vietnam.''
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MORE BAMA BULL- CLEARLY THIS PRESIDENT IS
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Posted:Feb 27, 2013 8:48 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2013 7:33 pm 3683 Views
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A JACKHOLE
Bob Woodward said Wednesday that a “very senior person” at the White House told the veteran journalist and author “you will regret” faulting the Obama administration for the present fight over sequestration...
“It was said very clearly: 'you will regret doing this,'” Woodward said on CNN’s "The Situation Room." “I’m not going to say [who], a very senior person. It makes me very uncomfortable to have the White House telling reporters you’re going to regret doing something you believe in.”
In an op-ed published over the weekend, Woodward accused the Obama administration first of inventing the sequester, and then of “moving the goal posts” by saying any deal had to include new revenue along with the agreed upon cuts.
Democrats argue that the sequester was an last-ditch effort out from the 2011 debt-ceiling fight instigated by Republicans, and that since it was never meant to be implemented, it’s not moving the goal posts to try and replace it with spending cuts and additional revenue.
“I think if Barack Obama knew that was part of the communications strategy, let’s hope it’s not a strategy, but just a tactic he’s employing, he’d say, ‘look, we don’t go around trying to say to reporters if you in an honest way present something that we don’t like, you’re going to regret this,'” Woodward continued. “It’s Mickey Mouse.”
A White House official said Woodward misconstrued the exchange and that "no threat was intended."
"Of course no threat was intended," the aide said. "As Mr. Woodward noted, the email from the aide was sent to apologize for voices being raised in their previous conversation. The note suggested that Mr. Woodward would regret the observation he made regarding the sequester because that observation was inaccurate, nothing more. And Mr. Woodward responded to this aide's email in a friendly manner."
It’s the latest turn in the souring relationship between the White House and Woodward.
Earlier in the day, on MSNBC, Woodward called the president’s sequester strategy “madness,” saying a stronger leader would merely circumvent the Budget Control Act.
And at the height of the 2012 election, the White House was on the defensive after Republicans seized on Woodward’s book, "The Price of Politics," as evidence President Obama was in over his head on the economy.
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Tell him his earrings aren't real gold
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Posted:Jan 29, 2013 12:51 pm
Last Updated:Feb 13, 2013 9:31 pm 3673 Views
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A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs... A green spot on the inside of each. "They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse."
The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back. A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.
The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy - - there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"
The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"
"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."
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Boss, I've got a problem.
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Posted:Jan 14, 2013 10:24 am
Last Updated:Jan 29, 2013 12:48 pm 3728 Views
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A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences.
After a few minutes he radios his boss and says,
"Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"
"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush."
The farm worker says okay and signs off.
About 10 minutes later he radios back.
"Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."
"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.
"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing! 
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JESUS IS WATCHING YOU
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Posted:Jan 6, 2013 7:38 pm
Last Updated:Jan 14, 2013 10:20 am 3717 Views
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A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard
'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.' The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?' 'Moses,' replied the bird. 'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
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