Still alive
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Posted:Dec 27, 2006 1:39 pm
Last Updated:May 12, 2024 4:27 pm 2850 Views
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Hello friends.
It's been awhile I know. Nothing witty to say today. The year in reveiw? Finially meet two people from SFF. Both were very lovely and nice, and give good hugs. Still working as a DJ, it keeps me young..Sister passed as well as Judy's Mom. She is back but not sure how long. She does not undertand my need for my friends and the need for chat. Thinks that it's a \bsexo?\b thing...(I wish...LO
Well that's about it, kinda dull I know.
Just wanted to say Hello and have a Happy New Year......
Steve
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The Poodle
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Posted:Aug 28, 2006 8:22 pm
Last Updated:Dec 23, 2006 2:56 pm 2617 Views
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A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halt s his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
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Spies in the USA
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Posted:Aug 25, 2006 3:48 pm
Last Updated:Aug 31, 2006 8:47 pm 2632 Views
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Two Iraqui spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully slipped into the US.
This first spy starts speaking in Arabic when the second spy shuches quickly and whispers;
"Don't blow our cover. You're in America now. Speak Spanish."
Stop being a good Democrat. Stop being a good Republican. Start being a good American.
The US Milatary provides the enemy with the maximum opportunity to give their life for their country.
Life's journey is not to arrive at your grave safely, in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out shouting:
HOLY CRAP, WHAT A RIDE !!!
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Lost Wife
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Posted:Aug 25, 2006 1:29 am
Last Updated:Aug 28, 2006 3:56 pm 2842 Views
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Two guys, one decrepit and frail and the other, a young man, are pushing their carts around Home Depot. By accident, they collide.
The decrepit guy says to the young man, "Sorry about that, I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young man says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm becoming concerned."
The decrepit and frail guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, green eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing a blue halter-top with white shorts. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
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Retirement Bonus
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Posted:Aug 24, 2006 2:14 am
Last Updated:Feb 28, 2007 7:36 am 2808 Views
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The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along
with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam."
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The Priest
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Posted:Aug 23, 2006 1:03 am
Last Updated:Dec 23, 2006 2:56 pm 2623 Views
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A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her,
"Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."
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Storm Rules 2006
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Posted:Aug 22, 2006 9:40 am
Last Updated:Aug 24, 2006 1:54 am 2716 Views
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#1. A mandatory evacuation means just that...Get the hell out. Don't blame the Government after they tell you to go. If they hadn't said anything, I can see the argument. They said get out. If you didn't, it's your fault, not theirs. We don't want to hear it, even if you don't have a car, if you can walk, you can get out.
#2. If there is an emergency, stock up on water and non-perishables. If you didn't do this, it's not the Government's fault you're starving.
#2a. If you run out of food and water, find a store that has some. Remember, shoes, TV's, DVD's and CD's are not edible. Leave them alone.
#2b. If the local store has been looted of food or water, leave your neighbor's TV and stereo alone. (See #2a) They worked hard to get their stuff. Just because they were smart enough to leave during a mandatory evacuation, doesn't give you the right to take their stuff, it's theirs, not yours.
#3. If someone comes in to help you, don't shoot at them and then complain no one is helping you. I'm not getting shot to help save some dumbass who didn't leave when told to do so.
#4. If you are in your house that is completely under water, your belongings are probably too far gone for anyone to want them. If someone does want them, let them have them and hopefully they'll die in the filth. Just leave!
#5. My tax money should not pay to rebuild a 2 million dollar house, a sports stadium or a floating casino. Also, my tax money shouldn't go to rebuild a city that is under sea level. You wouldn't build your house on quicksand would you? You want to live below sea-level, join the Navy.
#6. Regardless of what the Poverty Pimps Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton want you to believe, The US Government didn't create the Hurricane as a way to eradicate the black people of New Orleans; Neither did Russia as a way to destroy America. The US Government didn't cause global warming that caused the hurricane. We've been coming out of an ice age for over a million years.
#7. The government isn't responsible for giving you anything. This is the land of the free and the home of the brave, but you gotta work for what you want. McDonalds and Wal-Mart are always hiring, get a damn job and stop spooning off the people who are actually working for a living. President Kennedy said it best..."Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country."
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To My Dear Wife
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Posted:Aug 21, 2006 2:19 pm
Last Updated:Feb 28, 2007 7:33 am 2848 Views
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My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54-year-old body can no longer supply. However, I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed, I shall be back home before midnight.
When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time, I would like to inform you that while you are reading this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach, who, like your secretary, also is 18. As a successful businessman, and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be back until lunchtime tomorrow.
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Just Thinking about.....
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Posted:Aug 20, 2006 2:02 am
Last Updated:Feb 28, 2007 7:32 am 2652 Views
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Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the
Tennessee Titans?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me .....they're cramming for their
final exam.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
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