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Triplets
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Posted:Aug 19, 2006 2:45 am
Last Updated:Feb 28, 2007 7:25 am 969 Views
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A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy .
All was fine for 16 years, and then one walked into the room in tears.
"What's wrong?" asked the mother.
"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the .
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her walked into the room in tears.
"It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened! You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."
No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."
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Politics Explained
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Posted:Aug 18, 2006 9:18 am
Last Updated:Feb 28, 2007 7:24 am 856 Views
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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
Dad says, "Well , let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night,! he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the littleboy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. "
The father says, "Good, , tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored
and the Future is in deep shit."
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Tickle Me Elmo
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Posted:Aug 17, 2006 1:11 am
Last Updated:Feb 28, 2007 7:23 am 1041 Views
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There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00.
The next day at 8:45 there is a knock at the personnel manager's door. The foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The personnel manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
Look at people and smile, it makes them wonder what your thinking!
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Eve's Side Of The Story
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Posted:Aug 16, 2006 2:05 pm
Last Updated:Feb 28, 2007 7:22 am 1175 Views
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After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve.
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.......she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put
it.
"That is a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And
God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks pass and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?""Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."
God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see............where did I put that useless tit?
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?
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Wabbits
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Posted:Aug 15, 2006 12:55 pm
Last Updated:Feb 28, 2007 7:26 am 960 Views
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A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks "Excuthe me. Do you have any widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and he asks "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and futhy bwack wabbit or, maybe, one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers ....................
" I don't fink my pet pyfon weally gives a phuk!"
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My Life #2
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Posted:Feb 8, 2006 11:09 pm
Last Updated:Feb 28, 2007 7:20 am 1262 Views
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Sorry it has taken so longer to get part two done, but my little world is upside down and side ways right now, but I will make it. Part one was posted on 14 Jan.
Grandparents, Walter and Irema Feidler, Lynnville Ind. They were farmers, came from the old country, always believe in doing the right thing. They had six ; Maxine, Ruby Lee, George, Rae, Kenny Bill, and Wanye. All but Kenny Bill are gone now. As I write this I can look to my left and see the clock that kept the time all those years, I not sure how old it is but it is at least 75 years old. Wind it up every so many days; it has a great chime to it. You would be in bed and would listening to the crickets outside and then the clock would strike, one would hear throughout the house, I still love its sound, reminds me of fonder days. I have told Kenny Bill that when I’m gone it goes to one of his boys, how I got it before him is a whole another story. It was not a big farm maybe 1,000 acres, grew feed corn. They had two horses, three cows, and a whole bunch of chickens. Granddaddy had two tractors, one was a blue Ford, they other I do not remember the type but when my mother passed Bill came up from Texas and found it still around in Lynnville, well it’s in Texas now. There was also a combine and three wagons, a hay bailer, plows, diskers and sorts. But the coolest thing he had was a corn shucker. For those who do not know what that is, think of an old meat grinder. You would take an ear of corn, push in down from the top, turn the handle and it striped the corn from the cob. I love the farm; I would go the first weekend after school would let out, and would come back kicking and screaming before school was to start. Never understood why my parents just didn’t let me stay there all the time, they could always come and visit me on weekends. The house had a big kitchen, a big pot belly stove in it a big wood cooking stove, the sink had a pump, which had to be primed before you could use it. There a big living room with a fireplace, a big bedroom and one smaller one on the ground floor, upstairs were just two big rooms, I guess one for the girls and one for the guys, never thought to ask my mother. The roof was tin, many a night I listened to the rain beat down on it, and a few time hail pound on it. A big front porch faced the highway and had a swing and rockers on it, we would sit out there on Sundays after church while grandmother fixed dinner. That was unless there were things to do in the fields. Off the left of the pouch was one of the wells, it had the coolest water you would ever find even on the hottest days, a giant oak tree shaded it as did other oaks that went around the house shaded it. The side porch off the kitchen faced the barns and the driveway, the big tub hung on the wall, yes read that as bath tub. The bran on the right keep the tractors and equipment also the corn bin, the barn on the left housed the cows, horses and was the hay barn. It also had the tact room, and the wagons would usually be kept in there. On the other side of the house were the smoke house and a small open shed. This is also the area of the garden was. Go out the side pouch and go left and you in about a fifty yards you would pass two chickens houses, another twenty the outhouse, yes that’s right, Sears catalog also, next came the chick house, that’s were baby chickens get their start, then the seed barn. There were four ponds on the farm, there were days when I would go fishing and we would have catfish for supper.
Next installment will be best memories of the farm:
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A Very Boring Story
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Posted:Jan 14, 2006 6:14 am
Last Updated:Feb 28, 2007 7:17 am 1515 Views
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My Birthday is Monday and I want to thank the Government for giving the people off. Just can not figure out how they got the name confused?
This is going to be a very boring story. Why then, you might ask, am I writing it? It’s because I have realized that some things are getting harder to remember. Then you may ask, why post it here. To that I can only say, why not? Someone might need a good laugh? The story is really longer but I am cutting it down some for here.
Stephen Edgar Simpson
Born 16 January 1950 in Evansville Indiana to Ruby Lee and Kenneth Edgar. I was the second of four one older sister, Nancy Ann and two younger, Irma Jane and Susan Gale, Jane passed July of this year, Mother (1995) and Father (1993).
My Mother was a farm girl whose father was of German descent. She had two sisters, Ray and Maxine, and three brothers, George, Bill and Wayne, only Bill is left now. She could milk cows, by hand, make lye soap and cook; she was a farmer’s of the 30’ and 40’s.
My Father was a “city” boy who lived about 30 miles away he had a brother who die at birth so was an only . He was a jock and played guard on the football team. He went to WW II hit the beaches on D-Day and then served with Patton, was wounded twice, I still have his Purple Hearts in his cases. He never really talked to me about it, but I got a very big hug, the first in a very long time, when I left for Vietnam. It was not until his death and I found out he was to be cremated that my mother told me that was his biggest nightmare when he came but from the war, was to be underground and well I will just leave it at that.
As a I remember that I was happy, we were not rich by any means but we never went hungry. We had a coal fired furnace to heat the house and a fireplace in the front room and a pot belly stove in the kitchen. In the summer when I tan up you can still see the burn mark on my arm from while I fell into the side of it. My father worked for America Dairy and drove a delivery truck, some days he would let me go with him and help. We would go to the ice house to get ice and spread it over the milk cases to keep it cool, glass bottles and little cardboard caps, I’m sure some of you can remember. I remember one holiday season he came home really happy, he had gotten a hundred dollars in tips from his customers. It was the first time I had every seen that much money and I got to hold it, Christmas was special that year. Then he got a job driving a truck for Standard Oil and made fuel deliveries he worked weird hours and just remember he smelled like gas a lot. He got a job with the Post Office and things got a little better around the house.
My mother was a mom, she cooked and cleaned up after us, One of my memoirs is her sitting in the living room and feeding my sister Jane and singing “Go tell Aunt Roadie” She always watched the pennies and had her rainy day fund up in the kitchen cabinet, second shelf back right conner. A happy day for her was when the laundry room was built on the back of the house; it was her room, a washer, yes one with a ringer, an ironing board, and a shower. It had a screened in pouch along the side. She did get a washer and dryer; I think it was an anniversary gift from dad. I guess some things have never changed.
Grandparents:
Mary and Hobart Simpson, Boonville Ind. Grandfather worked for a soda bottling plant, Derr’s Dye, they had the best Orange/Pinnapple soda ever, they went out of business years ago, my mother found some of the soda bottles at an auction one time and brought them for me. They are on a shelf, memories. Grandmother would hold me on her lap on the back pouch and sing gospel hymns to me. I remember I put stickers on the wall, she never took them down. She got sick, diabetic and her eyesight began to fail. She had a stroke, the last years of her life she laid in a nursing home, blind, and partly paralyzed. We would go see her each weekend. I did not like it, it was not fair. Do not remember when she died, but remember my father getting the call at night. I can vaguely remember her in the casket she look so peaceful, it was really a blessing for her, if there is a heaven she is there. My Grandfather would just sit at the house after that. His fingers yellow from smoking. I not remember when he passed; I believe it was when I was station in New Mexico, found out after the fact and never went home. Other memories; going up and watching football (bowl games) with my father, and changing the wall paper in the house. We used a vacuum cleaner, with a bottle sprayer on it, to wet the paper down, scraped it off the plaster wall. My job was to pick up the paper, put it in bags and take it out to the burn barrel.
Well time has caught up with me. So will post what I have now and a little more tonight and with a little help I will have it all done by Monday.
Picture attached is my sister Nancy and me and our Grandpants Simpson Easter 1954.
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