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The Diet 11/5/2006
An extremely obese woman shows up at her doctor's office
crying and claims that she has tried every possible way
to lose weight, all to no avail. She continues to sob,
"My husband won't make love to me any more. My
friends make fun of me. Everywhere I go they tease me. I just
can't take it any more!"
The doctor, hoping to help her, proposes a radical diet, ...
0 Comments, 40 Views,
4 Votes
,1.30 Score
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Abbott and Costello Discover Computers 11/5/2006
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello,
and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate
this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our
computers, please read on... If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello
were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's
on First?" might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
...
0 Comments, 32 Views,
5 Votes
,2.16 Score
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Newly weds 11/1/2006
When the newly wed couple retired to the bedroom, the groom
took off his pants and gave them to his new wife and told her
to put them on! She replied they don't fit. Remember
that!!! said the groom.
This inspired the wife to remove her pantties. She told
her husband to put them on. The husband replied that he could
not get into them. then his said, You won't ever get
into my ...
0 Comments, 92 Views,
8 Votes
,2.32 Score
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What's the difference 10/30/2006
A lovely little girl is entering class for the first time
when a friendly little boy approaches her.
"My name's Ted, " he says, "What's
yours?"
"Happy butt”, the little girl replies.
"I'm going to tell the teacher on you for lying!, "
the boy shouts.
He goes to the teacher and says ...
0 Comments, 70 Views,
1 Votes
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Be careful of what you ask for 10/25/2006
A man, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says
to his wife, "I feel horrible, I look fat, ugly and
out of
shape; Pay me a compliment."
The wife replies, "Your eyesight's damn near
perfect."
0 Comments, 36 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
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It is hunting season 10/16/2006
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean
and serve the venison for supper. He knows his are fussy
eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he
does not tell them.
His little boy keeps asking him, "What's
for supper?"
"You'll see", says his dad.
They start eating supper and his keeps asking
what they're eating.
...
2 Comments, 90 Views,
6 Votes
,0.80 Score
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THE LAWS OF INCONVENIENCE 10/5/2006
Law of Mechanical Repair : After your hands become coated
with grease your nose will begin to itch.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to
the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is
directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never ...
0 Comments, 27 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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Did you kno... 10/5/2006
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
A pessimist's blood type is always B-negative.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
0 Comments, 55 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score
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Van Gogh Family Tree 10/5/2006
His dizzy aunt -------------------------------------Verti
Gogh
The brother who ate prunes -------------------------Gotta
Gogh
Brother who worked at a convenience store ----------Stop
n Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia --------------------U
Gogh
The cousin from Illinois ---------------------------Chica
Gogh
His magician uncle ...
0 Comments, 20 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
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Gender ? Male or Female... 10/5/2006
SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears
useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time
just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom
in pairs.
HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you
have to light a fire under it...and, of course, there's
the hot air part.
SPONGES: Female, ...
1 Comments, 71 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
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The Putt 9/30/2006
A father, and grandson go out to the country club for
their
weekly round of golf. Just as they reach the first tee, a
beautiful
young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approaches
them. She
explains that the member who brought her to the club for
a round of
golf had an emergency which called him away and asks the
trio whether
she can join them.
Naturally, the ...
0 Comments, 82 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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Dogs letters to God 9/30/2006
Dear God,
Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell
one another?
Dear God,
When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the
same old story?
Dear God,
Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the
mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not
ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around?
We ...
0 Comments, 3 Views,
0 Votes
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Where we can help 9/28/2006
Hi,
>
> This has been passed to me from a friend.
>
> Rules for the Non Military
> Dear Civilians, "We know that the current state
of
> affairs in our great
> nation has many civilians up in arms and excited to
> join the military.
> For those of you who can't join, you can still lend
> a hand. Here are a
> few of the areas where we would like your
> assistance:
> ...
1 Comments, 43 Views,
2 Votes
,1.04 Score
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shocked, confused, bewildered 9/28/2006
I was shocked, confused, bewildered
as I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its decor.
But it was the folks in Heaven
who made me sputter and gasp--
the thieves, the liars, the sinners,
the alcoholics, the trash
There stood the from seventh grade
Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to ...
0 Comments, 24 Views,
0 Votes
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Careful how your ask for something 9/25/2006
> > Two priests died at the same time and met Saint
> Peter at the Pearly Gates.
> St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys
in now,
> but our computer is down.
> You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week,
> but you can't go back as
> priests. So what else would you like to be?"
> >
> > The first priest says, "I've always
wanted to be
> an eagle, soaring above ...
0 Comments, 23 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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You KNOW 9/23/2006
Yes, the new one is out! Brand new edition of...
"You know you're a redneck when......
1. You take your for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with
a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than ...
0 Comments, 26 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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Grampa going on 9/23/2006
Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and
the
lower cost of living, in particular.
"When I was a , my mom could send me to the store,
and
I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves
of bread,
and a magazine, some new blue jeans, all for a dollar!
Then Grandpa said sadly, "You can't do that anymore
because
they got those darn ...
0 Comments, 22 Views,
0 Votes
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The Angry Preacher 9/21/2006
The preacher rose with a red face. "Someone in this
congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K.
This is a horrible lie! A God fearing decent Christian community
cannot tolerate such slander. I am embarrassed and will
not accept this. Now I want the individual who did this to
stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!'
No one moved. The preacher continued, ...
0 Comments, 35 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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Speedy 9/21/2006
Speedy Seniors...
>Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch
speeding drivers, a
>State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at
22 MPH. He thinks to
>himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as
a speeder!" So he turns on
>his lights and pulls the driver over.
>
>Approaching the car, he notices that there are five
old ladies -- two in
>the front seat and ...
2 Comments, 59 Views,
4 Votes
,4.80 Score
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Policeman's ball 9/21/2006
Policemen balls
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As a Central
Otago Cop
walked very close to her car window,
flipping open his ticket book. She pulled out $100 bill
and said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to
the Central Otago Police Ball".
He replied, "Central Otago Police don't
have balls."
...
0 Comments, 40 Views,
0 Votes
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Differences 9/21/2006
Differences Between You and Your Boss
When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping
your authority.
When ...
0 Comments, 32 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score
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What's in a name? 8/18/2006
A Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look
on his face.
'Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm'?
'Because he was conceived during a mighty storm',
she said.
Then he asked 'Why is my sister named Cornflower'?
'Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made
her', she replied.
He then asked 'And why is my other sister called Moonchild'?
'We were ...
0 Comments, 79 Views,
5 Votes
,1.84 Score
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TWENTY DOLLARS 8/17/2006
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her
new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking
encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily
agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for
more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way
for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
she needed.
Arriving ...
0 Comments, 120 Views,
12 Votes
,5.45 Score
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Chinese Proverbs 8/16/2006
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright
organ.
...
0 Comments, 27 Views,
2 Votes
,1.73 Score
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Women and Titties 8/16/2006
Women with big tits ...
..can get a taxi on the worst days
..have men give them the best seats on a bus.
..have a neat place to carry spare change
..have always been the center of the arts (art)
..make jogging a spectator sport
..can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
..have more negotiating power (with men ...
0 Comments, 32 Views,
3 Votes
,0.98 Score
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Know your spouse 8/15/2006
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It
is essential that husbands and wives know each other's
likes and dislikes." He addressed the man, "Can
you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and
whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"
1 Comments, 80 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score
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Worth another read 8/7/2006
Sometimes, when I look at my , I say to myself ~~"Lillian,
you should have remained a virgin."
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I
was not pleased to read the description in the catalog:
"No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I ...
0 Comments, 48 Views,
4 Votes
,5.57 Score
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Good Bars 8/4/2006
A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar. They
are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice
place.
Then the Scotsman says, 'Aye, this is a nice bar, but
where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better
one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another
drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!'
The others agree that sounds like a good ...
0 Comments, 35 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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THE GENIE 8/4/2006
A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies
are a storybook myth.
I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace
in the Middle East.
See this map?
I want these countries to stop fighting with ...
0 Comments, 70 Views,
5 Votes
,5.10 Score
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Definately a woman's viewpoint 8/4/2006
Yes or no?
Doesn't this say it all?
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while
taking a bath.
"Mum, " he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet, " she replied
0 Comments, 91 Views,
5 Votes
,4.12 Score
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