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Teeth Problem 7/8/2009
This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled
and new dentures were being made.
The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.
The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.
But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.
When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded
this way.
The first Sunday, my gums were so ...
0 Comments, 16 Views,
0 Votes
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Fishy Story 7/8/2009
> An Ole story: > > > > Ole was stopped by a game warden in Northern Minnesota
leaving a lake well > known for its Walleye. He had two buckets of fish. As
it was during the > spawning season, the game warden asked, "Do
you have a license to catch those > fish?" > > Ole replied, "No, sir! Dese here are my pet fish."
> > "Pet fish?" The warden asked. > > "Ya sure, you betcha, " answered Ole.
"Every ...
0 Comments, 19 Views,
0 Votes
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MINISTER GIVES SERMON 7/5/2009
MINISTER GIVES SERMON
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as
he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking
the mike cord as he went.
Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and
nearly tripping before jerking it again.
After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third
pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, ...
0 Comments, 12 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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Divorce versus Murder 7/4/2009
Divorce VS Murder ...
A respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to
the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
"I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need
cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord
have mercy! I can't give ...
2 Comments, 79 Views,
7 Votes
,4.06 Score
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attracting only the finest bellringers in the country 7/2/2009
There was a monastery in France at the edge of a cliff overlooking
a beautiful valley, and because its bells could be heard
over such a wide area, it developed a reputation for attracting
only the finest bellringers in the country. There was always a bit of dread when a bellringer passed
on or retired, and one year, when they spread the word of
their need for a new master, there was a dearth of ...
0 Comments, 12 Views,
0 Votes
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Listen to what the little tykes say 7/2/2009
Each paragraph is a small vignette and out of the mouths
of "babes"! Never hurts to listen to what the
little tykes say!
While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office,
a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room.
As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat
there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should
make small talk with him, a little boy ...
1 Comments, 36 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
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Inline-skating, for People Over 50 - Medic!! 6/19/2009
I had imagined this new adventure in a totally different
way. Although I knew that it was going to take some practice,
endurance, commitment and lots of ibuprofen. So my decision
was made to spend some hard-earned money on something that
had to have it's origins in mid-evil, torture chamber,
centuries ago, a pair of inline-skates.
Here's a simple description of an inline-skate, for ...
2 Comments, 25 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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BENEFITS OF THE REVIVAL 6/15/2009
After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were
discussing the results with one another.
The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked
out great for us! We gained 4 new families."
The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that!
We gained 6 new families."
The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even
better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest ...
0 Comments, 8 Views,
0 Votes
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Just a wonderful senior love story: 6/13/2009
> An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's
home for dinner one > evening. > > He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every
request to his > wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love,
Darling, Sweetheart, > Pumpkin, etc. > > The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly,
they were > still very much in love. > > While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned ...
0 Comments, 14 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
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Foyer of the church 6/12/2009
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing
in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It
was covered with names and small American flags mounted
on either side of it.
The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some
time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy,
and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.' Good morning
Pastor, he replied, ...
0 Comments, 9 Views,
0 Votes
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Smile, it gives your face something to do! 6/10/2009
Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed
Him "playing church" with their cat.
He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it.
She smiled and went about her work. A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran
back To the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in
a tub of water. She called out, "Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid
of water!" ...
0 Comments, 8 Views,
0 Votes
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FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER 5/24/2009
I REMEMBER……………
Hollywood Squares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when
' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were
spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall
was the host asking the questions, of course.. I have to add this one in, I remember it so well! I laughed
most of the day and it kept popping into ...
3 Comments, 41 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
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Senior marriage 5/22/2009
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.
Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do ...
0 Comments, 11 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
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Monastery of Silence 5/19/2009
> Sister Maria Elisabeth entered the Monastery of Silence.
> > > The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery.
> You are welcome here as long as you like, > but you may not speak until directed to do so."
> > Sister Maria Elisabeth lived in the monastery for
5 years > before the Priest said to her, > "Sister Maria Elisabeth, you have been here
for 5 years. You may speak two > words." > > ...
0 Comments, 10 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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DEAF MEN IN A BAR 5/11/2009
A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using
sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using
sign language to speak to them.
When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he
had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained
that these were regular customers and had taught him to
speak in sign.
The man thought that was great. ...
0 Comments, 18 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score
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Helping 5/8/2009
HELPING A CRIMINAL When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before
the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after
the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.
A DRUNK IRISIHMAN FALLS
O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze
in his back pocket when he slipped ...
0 Comments, 13 Views,
0 Votes
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Getting old in Florida 5/7/2009
> > Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch
in Bonita Springs, doing > > nothing. > > One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get
horny?' > > The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.' > > The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about
it?' > > The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'
> > After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who
drives you to the > > beach?' > > ...
0 Comments, 17 Views,
0 Votes
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Speeding 5/5/2009
A state trooper pulls over a car on the interstate dawdling
along at half the posted limit. As he strolls up to the drivers
window he notes the car is full of little old ladies. The
driver is smiling, but the passengers all seem to be in shock
or petrified. He tells the driver she is driving dangerously slow for
the interstate and advises her to pick up the pace or she
might get run over. She ...
0 Comments, 19 Views,
2 Votes
,1.73 Score
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Groaners 4/22/2009
Alcohol and calculus don't mix so don't drink
and derive.
“Why was the ink drop sad?
Because her dad was in the pen and she didn't know how
long the sentence would be!”
1 Comments, 17 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
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AND YOU EXPECTED WHAT? 4/8/2009
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before
he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I
finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked.
"That's the one!" ...
0 Comments, 37 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
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AP Government Class 4/3/2009
Natural Born Citizen
Since we now have a new president some political humor might
be in store. The following is a funny and true story occurring in an AP
Government class at Santa Fe High School .
In one civics class, the young adults were discussing the
qualifications to be president of the United States It is pretty simple. The
candidate must be a natural born citizen and at ...
0 Comments, 29 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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HOUSEWORK'! 3/7/2009
Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny
arrived home from work to find the bathed, one load of laundry
in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the
stove, and the table set. She was astonished!
It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said, 'Wives
who work full-time and had to do their own housework were
too tired to have sex'.
The night went ...
0 Comments, 31 Views,
5 Votes
,4.77 Score
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Sorry about this! 3/3/2009
Notice:
Due to recent budget cuts, high unemployment and the rising
costs of food, electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions,
and the overall state of the union, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has
been turned off.
We apologize for any inconvenience.
0 Comments, 24 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
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CREATIVE PUNS FOR "EDUCATED MINDS" 2/25/2009
PUNS
01. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table
was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 02. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but
it turned out to be an optical Aleutian . 03. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
04. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class,
because it was a weapon of ...
0 Comments, 22 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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IRS decides to audit Grandpa 2/23/2009
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the
IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up
with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant
lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain
by saying that you win money gambling.
I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great ...
0 Comments, 33 Views,
4 Votes
,5.57 Score
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Getting older in Florida 2/18/2009
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Bonita
Springs doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh, sure I do." The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who
drives you to the beach?" ******************************** Three old ladies ...
0 Comments, 44 Views,
7 Votes
,6.10 Score
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'2' for English 2/14/2009
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final
word on nutrition and health.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat And suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat And suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine And suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
4. The ...
0 Comments, 23 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
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FOR PEOPLE OVER 50 2/7/2009
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have
plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight
out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach
a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position
for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move ...
0 Comments, 25 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
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A Doctor was addressing a large audience: 2/1/2009
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to
have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks
corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat
diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm
caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that
is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, ...
0 Comments, 24 Views,
5 Votes
,5.75 Score
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STUNNING SENIOR MOMENT....... 1/26/2009
A very self-important college freshman attending a recent
football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior
citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the
older generation to understand his generation.
"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost
primitive one, " the student said, loud enough for
many of those nearby to hear. "The young ...
0 Comments, 21 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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