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The Pregnant Fireman 1/22/2005
" Give me a sentence about a public servant, "
said a teacher.
<br>
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder
pregnant."
<br>
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't
you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
<br>
Sure, " said the young boy confidently. "It
means carrying a ."
1 Comments, 105 Views,
6 Votes
,3.37 Score
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Coffee for Grandma 1/22/2005
A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one
morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst
cup of coffee in her life.
<br>
When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little
green Army men in the cup.
<br>
She said "Honey, what are these army men doing in my
coffee?"
<br>
Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on ...
1 Comments, 65 Views,
4 Votes
,2.47 Score
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Job Description for a Dalmatian 1/22/2005
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon
full of home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting
in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The
started discussing the dog's duties.
<br>
"They use him to keep crowds back, " said one
youngster.
<br>
"No, " said another, "he's just
for good luck"
<br>
A third brought the ...
1 Comments, 59 Views,
5 Votes
,5.10 Score
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Golden Anniversary 1/17/2005
One day Ole and Lars met for coffee at the local restaurant.
After visiting awhile, Lars said, "Ole, I hear your
50th wedding anniversary is coming up. Are you doing something
special to celebrate?"
<br>
Ole answered, "Yes, I guess so. On our 25th anniversary,
I took Lena to visit Norway, and we had a really good time.
I thought for our 50th anniversary, I'd go back and
pick ...
1 Comments, 59 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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Texans in Heaven 1/16/2005
For those of you who do live or have lived in Texas, and those
of you who are their friends ...
<br>
<br>
Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to
you, I have some Texans up here in Heaven who are causing
some problems. They are swinging on the Pearly Gates, my
horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their robes,
ham hock, sparerib, and pig feet bones ...
1 Comments, 67 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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Simple Logic 1/16/2005
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece
on those littlebottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian
backwards: NAIVE
<br>
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like
making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
<br>
3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the
"Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known
as the "Bucs, " what ...
1 Comments, 67 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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Why Men are Dogs and Women are Cats 1/16/2005
How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?
1. Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole
lives
ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid
burned out
bulb?
<br>
2. Border Collie:
Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's
not up to code.
<br>
3. Dachshund:
You know I can't reach that ...
1 Comments, 68 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
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Harold Was an Old Man 1/16/2005
Harold was an old man. He was sick and in a nursing home.
<br>
There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every
time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little
. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And
how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for a bath,
or are we hungry?" Old Harold had had enough of this
particular nurse.
<br>
...
1 Comments, 38 Views,
0 Votes
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Ramblings of a Retired Mind 1/16/2005
Ramblings of a Retired Mind -
<br>
<br>
<br>
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those
cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford
one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.
<br>
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized
that people didn't like me anyway.
<br>
I was thinking that women ...
1 Comments, 36 Views,
0 Votes
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A Carrot, an Egg and a cup of Coffee 1/15/2005
There's a reason I like coffee
<br>
<br>
A carrot, an egg and a cup of coffee... You will never look
at a cup of coffee the same way again.
<br>
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life
and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she
was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of
fighting and struggling. It seemed as ...
2 Comments, 75 Views,
4 Votes
,4.80 Score
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Don't Be Late!!! 1/14/2005
Don't be late!
<br>
<br>
A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth
anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local
politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen
to make the presentation and give a little speech at the
dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided
to say his own few words while they ...
1 Comments, 48 Views,
3 Votes
,1.96 Score
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Grandma's Birth Control 1/14/2005
A doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most
of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new
doctor told her to bring list of all the medicines that had
been prescribed for her.
A doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most
of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new
doctor told her to bring list of all the medicines that had
been ...
1 Comments, 65 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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Fear the Word! 1/14/2005
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening
of religious service when she was startled by an intruder.
As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its
valuables, she yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!"
<br>
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman calmly
called the police and explained what she had done.
<br>
As the officer cuffed ...
1 Comments, 43 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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IDIOTS AT WORK 1/14/2005
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when
the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of
the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete
the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked
why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the
signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the
credit card in front of her. She ...
1 Comments, 76 Views,
5 Votes
,5.10 Score
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Bumper Stickers We'd Like to See 1/14/2005
Jesus loves you ... but everyone else thinks you're
an ass.
<br>
<br>
Â
<br>
Impotence:Â nature's way of saying, "No hard
feelings."
<br>
<br>
Â
<br>
The proctologist called. They found your head.
<br>
<br>
Â
<br>
Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
<br>
<br>
Â
...
1 Comments, 65 Views,
7 Votes
,2.79 Score
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A Cat Story.... 1/9/2005
You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one...
<br>
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening.
They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine
on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the
cat in the backyard.
<br>
They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front ...
2 Comments, 116 Views,
3 Votes
,1.47 Score
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Don't Fart in Bed 1/7/2005
(If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so
hard, let me know and I will pray for you. Beware - sit down
and make sure you have nothing in your mouth before reading.
We can't have you falling over or choking!)
<br>
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married
for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's
habit of farting loudly every ...
1 Comments, 218 Views,
21 Votes
,5.23 Score
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Four Parrots 1/7/2005
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father,
I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only
know how to say one
thing."
<br>
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
<br>
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have
some fun?"
<br>
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed.
You know, " he said, "I have two male talking ...
1 Comments, 112 Views,
12 Votes
,5.80 Score
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Inanimate Gender 1/7/2005
You may not know that many non-living things have a gender.
<br>
For example...
<br>
Ziploc Bags Male
<br>
They hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
<br>
<br>
Copiers Female
<br>
Once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's
an effective reproductive device if the right ...
1 Comments, 118 Views,
5 Votes
,5.10 Score
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Passing this on !! 1/2/2005
Here's a good joke to get everyone's weekend start
off right!
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she
needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained
she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's
eyes got big and
he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide
to kill your husband!
That's against the ...
3 Comments, 776 Views,
106 Votes
,6.40 Score
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Mistakes I Won't Make Again, Maybe 12/23/2004
After she spends a lot of time and money at the beauty parlor,
I will never put the top down on the car when we go out.....even
if it was an improvement. Even if she likes the wine, she
gets two glasses and that's it. I won't leave her
to sit in on stage when the guitarist doesn't show up.
I've found taking the pets along on dates usually doesn't
work out for the pets. When she makes that ...
2 Comments, 113 Views,
13 Votes
,1.47 Score
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Not a good day for Santa 12/7/2004
When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee
elves did not
produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning
to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
<br>
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit.
This
stressed Santa even more.
<br>
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three
of them were
about ...
1 Comments, 74 Views,
8 Votes
,4.41 Score
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Simple Sims. 12/5/2004
I have the experience. There are many people on the net.
They all want to have good friends, be nice partners and
are outgoing and with many interests. Just like it were
the ideal Atlantida.But what about when one enters the
room! Only silence, and humor and all are laughing and ful
of knowledge end joy.
Is that the life?
Are we really such a simple Sims ???
1 Comments, 33 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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First Date 12/1/2004
First date
<br>
We have all had bad dates...but this takes the cake. This
just tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays.
<br>
This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno.
Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing
first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her
worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question
as to why her ...
0 Comments, 33 Views,
9 Votes
,4.07 Score
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Wishing For 11/28/2004
A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny
passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her
body and moaning, "I need a man, I
need a man! "Over the next couple of months, he saw
her doing this several times. One day, he came home from
school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom,
he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room,
took off ...
1 Comments, 23 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score
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THE EULOGY 11/28/2004
She married and had 13 . Her husband died. She married
again and had 7 more . Again, her husband died.
But, she remarried and this time had 5 more . Alas,
she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher
prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving
woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."
<br>
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her ...
1 Comments, 44 Views,
7 Votes
,4.31 Score
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May-December Romance 11/28/2004
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting
on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked
her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband
at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up
and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly
ground coffee." <br>
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" <br>
She said, "He ...
1 Comments, 30 Views,
6 Votes
,4.79 Score
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Time for Name Tags 11/28/2004
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over
the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a
few times a week to play cards.
<br>
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other
and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've
been friends for a long time.....but I just can't ...
1 Comments, 40 Views,
5 Votes
,2.82 Score
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My Senility Prayer 11/28/2004
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked
anyway,
<br>
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
<br>
And the eyesight to tell the difference.
0 Comments, 33 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score
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Women don't give Mixed Signals! 11/26/2004
Since the subject of “mixed signals” was brought up by the
ladies, some of whom admitting that ladies do this while
a few seem to be in a fog and deny it, I assume the topic is fair
game. I have been waiting for this topic like a hungry wolf!
<br>
To say that ladies give “mixed signals” is an understatement!
And any woman that denies that this is the one ...
1 Comments, 44 Views,
7 Votes
,4.82 Score
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