What the fuck is going on with me!! I had a young, beautiful penis at face level and did not even want to touch it! This has NEVER happened before...I would've normally lip-locked such a gorgeous cock in seconds!
I am just so totally behooved at my lack of interest in any other men since my last "monogamous relationship" ended silently in July (see AFF blog stories--"LOVE TO NO AVAIL" and "MONOGAMY OR NO MONOGAMY, IS THAT THE QUESTION?!" ).
I mean, how could I be so profoundly affected by the loss of this "estranged lover" when we only had months together?! Of course, those months were equivalent to years--given the frequency of our daily communication and our extended trips together.
Months have passed since his last text--saying time and patience was needed--and I'm still thinking of him daily!! I never learned how the drama over his telling his mother about us panned-out. But given the 40-year age difference between us, I'm sure it was quite traumatic for him and maybe still is!
I thought by now I'd have met with one of the AFF lovers from my last year's crazy "sexual rebirth" period (post 15 years of celibacy). Since learning I'm no longer in a monogamous relationship, several past lovers have been contacting me nearly daily--saying they want to be with me again. I've found myself being present, but evasive, in my communications with them.
However, the "pushy guy" finally wore me down. Through a moment of weakness--or more like a desire for human comfort in the moment--I found myself relenting and agreed to meet him. I'd ran out of excuses after six months of texting and thought, as he suggested, that he could help me get over this crushed feeling caused by my previous lover's inconsiderate silence (no matter how much I understand it's possible necessity).
So, when "pushy guy" suggested coming over (even though I wasn't really seeking sex yet), I liked the idea of at least meeting finally and hopefully cuddling. It was completely spontaneous--having received his call just after showering that morning.
I told him I was not ready for a date (no make-up, mani/pedi, shaving/waxing, sexy clothing) like I'd normally be. He wanted to come over immediately, saying none of that mattered...he wanted me "as is"...with wet hair and in my, "Let's Cuddle", printed nightgown no less!
Being we live in adjoining neighborhoods here in NYC, he kept offering "dial-a-fuck" services to me over our months of texting--saying he could be to me in 15 minutes on his bike (no need to find parking)! The concept was intriguing, but I never took him up on it because of his evasiveness--never allowing a true connection to form through our conversations. In hindsight, connection is a priority for me, especially now that I've experienced such a profound one with my preferred "estranged lover".
Turns out "pushy guy" and I were in totally different headsets! I was just hoping to meet and lay groundwork for the ongoing fwb situation we'd discussed. He knew my super was due to come that day (to complete tile work in the bathroom), so sex was not on the agenda for this first meeting. I guess this guy did not think possible interruption an issue...or it was the reason for his haste in what happened next!
We walked to the bedroom (as there is no living room in my tiny Manhattan studio) and he started stripping immediately!! I sat on the bed watching--trying to be nonchalant and have a conversation--until being "cock-struck" when he revealed his magnificent penis! It just bounced out of his pants when he swiftly pulled them down! I became tongue-tied in my awe, just stopping and staring mesmerized!
It was all happening way too fast for my current frame of mind though! Hell, we'd never met in-person...damn, "give a girl a second to get acquainted"!!
There he was standing in front of me, while I sat on the bed, with his fully erect, 27-year-old BBC starring me in the face! The "me" of last year would have engulfed that magnificent cock with my mouth immediately--especially with it being only inches away and at face level!
Instead, I asked him to sit down--really wanting us to lay down--to talk, kiss and cuddle first. I started caressing his six-pack stomach, avoiding his protruding cock, saying he truly was such a beautiful man!
He was laying horizontally on the bed, with his feet on the floor. When I realized he still had his shoes on, with his pants around his ankles, I asked him to take them off and get comfortable in bed with me. What he did next was somewhat shocking!!
He changed gears on me in an instant...saying he wanted none of the closeness or connection I was offering. Well, what the hell did he expect then!!
He actually thought that he was coming over to just get a quick BJ and then turn me over the bed to poke me from behind--fucking me while standing up with no foreplay!! That scenario was never previously discussed. It could have happened ultimately, but I was not ready to just be plowed dryly (plus there was the super's arrival to worry about)!
At saying I needed to acclimate to him slower, he wanted none of it! The crass little asshole actually started getting dressed--saying he was not looking for more...just an on-going "fuck buddy"--A.K.A., a literal "dial-a-fuck"! Guess I should have taken his offers seriously--I thought he was joking about that during all those months of chatting!
The experience left me surprised, yet pleased at my reaction to his "seeming" rejection. I mean the guy was rock-hard, so he obviously had interest in fucking me--but "just" in fucking me it seemed!
I told him I was glad that we had at least finally met to see that we were "NOT" compatible. He mumbled something unflattering, and I let him vent--realizing I didn't care what he had to say, and that there was no reasoning with such a negative, narrow-minded person anyway.
He left and I was pleased that it really did not matter much to me (would have floored me with self-doubt in the past). Something has changed in me since being in a "respectful relationship" again after 15 years of being alone...I'm no longer willing to be someone's "hole" to fuck! Not saying there's anything wrong with that, but only if it's mutual (I've certainly had my fun with that kind of sex too in my life...I'm just not in that kind of headspace presently).
So, fortunately I do have "respectful" suitors who also want a connection and to spend time enjoying each other's company. I was planning on meeting with one of them a week after this fiasco--to lick my wounds from that experience and hopefully to get a respite from my heartbreak (over the lover I'd forego all others for if it were a possibility). I'm referring to meeting with the "tantric lover" (who I wrote about last year in a blog story--"EVERLASTING AFTERGLOW" )--we'd met about seven times over the last year, until I told him I was in a monogamous relationship.
I thought I was ready to start dating again (well not really), so the universe aided me by stepping in with other plans!! I ended up in the ER having IV antibiotics forced into me overnight!!
People...take heed! NEVER HOLD YOUR URINE!! I had a nearly detrimental urinary tract infection (UTI)! I didn't even know I had one until sudden chills, fever, nausea, and very severe diarrhea sent me to the ER!
I don't know how long I had the UTI, probably since the July 4th "cabin week" with my monogamous lover...hell, we fucked morning/noon/night daily that week after all...and women can get UTI's from sex. Ladies, FYI, always pee after sex!
Thankfully, I tested negative for STD's...but I didn't expect any from my "virginal monogamous lover"--even though we enjoyed the spontaneity of "raw sex" (I was only his 2nd lover--after losing his virginity the year before). The joys of sex with "no pregnancy fears" was ours too--with me being post-menopausal lol!
I see the UTI as a blessing of sorts now however (even though getting close to sepsis nearly killed me)--as I don't want to "half-ass" my attention to my next lover--and I still would probably...at least util I get over this ghosted-ending with my "monogamous lover" that is! I'm so shocked at the affect it's having on me...I don't remember any ending affecting me this way (and I've had seven long-term relationships, including a 10 year marriage)!
I still seem to need more time to be intimate with someone else again...also why I think I saw "pushy guy" while being so "unprepared". I just didn't really care if anything happened with him. I guess I was trying to move forward, but really, I'd already made the decision for both of us (concerning the unlikeliness of our joining)--with my unwillingness to prep for that date. Hell, I just wanted to go back to sleep that morning (after a restless night and being up at 5:30am to get my son on the school bus)...it was his "pushiness" that swayed me!
I think I'll find myself resuming the hyper-productive state I was in since losing my heart's desire. The emotional need to busy myself had me doing renovations, writing, virtual classes/workouts and seeking/adding new activities to my life! It felt great...until my body shut me down that is!! I was dieting and feeling so strong, but was so busy that I wasn't paying attention to my body's needs and was holding my pee (don't do this people!).
Interestingly, the severity of the UTI was altering my state of being mentally and physically. I was told that a severe UTI can affect a person that way. It did in an astonishing way too! I was feeling somewhat "super-human" actually!
I was physically stronger (lifting/hauling--working from dawn to dusk) and had such mental clarity that my fingers couldn't keep up with my brain, as I zipped around sites researching new activities/projects to add to my plate! I felt invincible, like I could accomplish anything, and I was proving that I could for weeks straight...until I got stopped in my tracks!
I felt like John Travolta's character, George Malley, in the movie "Phenomenon" (where he developed "super-human" abilities--absorbing three books a day, becoming inexplicably transformed into a genius with telekinetic powers). I felt myself in a similar state of overdrive...not being able to be idle for a moment (and that is not usually me).
So, a night in the ER with IV antibiotics and now weeks of oral (on 2nd med regimen, as 1st wasn't responding)--has me cooling my jets with "moving on" sexually. It's hard to be intimate when you're peeing hourly!
That was another reason I knew I shouldn't have allowed myself to be rushed by the "pushy guy". I wasn't ready and it really wasn't meant to be. However, I'm OK with the outcome, as I didn't really want to be with him anyway, and now he will stop contacting me.
Seems I'm still not ready to be with anyone else yet either, but I will stay responsive to suitors until I am ready. Thankfully, the "respectful" ones are being understanding and patient. They know, as I do, that this broken heart of mine will mend eventually!
THE END
15 comments
So sorry to read all you had to deal with all at once. 🙁
I hope you're fully recovered from UTI by now.
Thanks...yes, recovered from that and facing breast cancer surgery now...must say the universe has my attention lol! Be well!
@sweetmamm
Glad to hear you're recovered from the UTI.
Sorry to hear you're dealing with breast cancer. 🙁
When is your surgery? 🤔
@cableguy20042
It's all good...tiny lumpectomy next Friday, January 12th...thanks for asking.
I mean, if you're not on the same page, you're not gonna wanna get down and do it, are you?
Exactly! Thanks for reading! 😊
So glad the pushy guy was pushed out..... lol its amazing how people effect our lives and in ways of thinking even when we don't expect it. I may be wrong but i belive your mind is telling you that you enjoy being menatly fucked before the physical can happen for you. That being cuddeling talking, being together ect.. i call it, for the lack of a better term "Brain Fucking" It seems your last lover did this for you and your body responeded so well. Your brain is craving more of that. Yes its fun to sometimes just have mad crazy sex with nothing after. But i truly belive everyone hits a point when they need more and cave more to push thier brains and body over the edge to experiance a full body orgasum when they both connect. For me at least i know i just won't jump into bed with anyone unless they can "fuck my brain" first with conversation or other ways to get me worked up. Other wise its just fucking for a regular orgasum and heck i can do that alone. What is missing is being able to feel his /her needs and wants as they kiss and hold you. If you havr that conection first then you can feel thier words come out while they kiss and hold you and you can tell if they are true or not. They will take thier time and show you not just walk in and drop thier pants. .... but thats just my thoughts .... love the move by the way it was a good one
I loved reading your words...and yes, you are correct in all you mentioned...I do need more now, and that connection makes the sex worthwhile...otherwise it's mechanical...and you're right in that I could accomplish that on my own lol! Thanks for responding! 😊