This "limbo in love" state of being, leaves me questioning my steadfast devotion to him regarding monogamy. Like the Ryan Gosling character, "Noah Calhoun", in the movie "The Notebook"--I'm finding myself clinging to monogamy with hope initially.
"Noah Calhoun" did it for a year in that movie. But unlike Gosling's character, I don't plan to send 365 letters ("a letter a day for a year" ) or wait a year before finding comfort in another's arms--even if I truly want "only" him...this young, young man I've gone and fallen in love with!
He started this...I would have seen it coming, if not blindsided with the most "real" I've nearly ever felt regarding love. Either he felt it too, or he's the most incredible actor alive! His starting the "I Love You's" may have made me aware sooner--though I would have gotten there on my own--as he is the most loveable man I've ever known!
Upon receiving this most heartfelt response from him concerning my past--I knew all I needed to know about this man! I fell in love with him instantly when reading these amazing words from him:
"Yes I just woke up. And I am completely willing and want to be monogamous with you. I did read
your interview but I do not care
about the numbers. Everyone has
their past. Regarding your childhood
abuse my own mother was also a
victim and will now and always still
accept you. I have already fallen in
love with who you are now not who
you were. I know this relationship
might be difficult but I want to take it
far as it will go."
Wooo...I gladly started a monogamous relationship with him after that--even prior to meeting! I was sure I could defy my AFF buddy Tom--who said I should never be monogamous again in my life because I'm "too sexual a woman".
I've done monogamy seven times in my life and was happily doing it again with my young lover--even with our limited available times together. The undeniable connection we'd formed through daily communication made it enough--especially with
the increasing longing between meetings.
The anticipation for our next explosive union, was like foreplay for a meeting that never happened, however. A dramatic scene--the details still a mystery to me--brought everything to a silent halt!
Now, it's no matter that my heart is keeping me from accepting new dates while in this state of uncertainty. Being human (especially at 62, having just ended 15 years of celibacy), I know I'll "temper the sting of loneliness" with another--given time and his continued silence--but that is not what I want!
Yes, like "Noah" did in the movie, I'll allow companionship eventually--even if, like him, all the while harboring unwavering love for the one who "left me in limbo". Love has always been as important as sex to me, and my young lover gave me the best of both!
Seems he almost made it a "goal" to have me "fall in love with him"--as if he truly wanted to know what "sex with love" felt like (both of us muted our profiles to commit to it). Even if he had such intentions, the natural flow of what developed was transformative for both of us!
I never saw in him a man with an agenda, but one with the purest of hearts. A shy, gentle, considerate man struggling between pleasing everyone, and being true to himself. A man trying desperately to discover that "self" by facing life-long anxieties...finally allowing some joy with the self-exploration of becoming my lover!
I see it now...it's almost easier to "not" say goodbye, when neither wants that ending. Leaving things open-ended can allow hope and possibilities.
I can also see a similar scenario to that in "The Notebook" happening for us. When an unbeknownst, destined reunion resulted from their lives converging years later--recognizing at first glance that their "unexplainable connection" is ever present...with no love lost from the passing of time!
Yes, I could easily see a destined reunion for us on the other side of all this drama--as we weren't done yet! God bless him, he's choosing to face his family drama alone. I wish I could be of more help...and seems my reciprocated silence is best for now.
Maybe this is the universe "gifting" us with forced separation--a time needed for pressing task/future accomplishments--all the while planning to reunite us in some way...like when he finds himself as a character in one of my books.
He knows he became my muse with the "LOVE TO NO AVAIL" story here on AFF. Now he plays a role in the "fictional autobiography" I've been writing for years (I met with a publishing strategist this week about turning that into a one-year plan!).
I just know, like "Gosling", the romantic character in me will be pining for my lost love--while we both get on with "BUILDING IT"! I'm referring to the "Field of Dreams" movie quote..."IF YOU BUILD IT, THEY WILL COME". The "it" was a "ball field" in that movie...our "it" is the "building of careers". His as a game developer and mine as a writer.
In "The Notebook", Gosling ("Noah" ) got it into his head that if he rebuilt the dilapidated mansion where he and his estranged love, "Allie" (Rachel McAdams), almost lost their virginity--then she would somehow make her way back to him. His faith was granted years later, when "Allie" (never knowing of the 365 letters, or of his plan) still finds her way back to him nearly a decade later!
Like "Noah", I see myself using such a goal to reap blessings through determination, patience, and yearning. I'm ready to do some hard work... including that continued "self-love" work we all tend to forget about!
So, "if I build it...I believe he will come"! If not before, maybe our lives will converge down the road...like at my "book signing" or his "gaming expo"...who knows what the universe has in store for us!
Yes, "you may call me a dreamer"...and I'll "own" the "silly fool" label too...thank you very much! It's made for a very eventful life--often wishing I'd been even more foolish at times!
I'm proud of my courage to be thought foolish! I've earned it through all the attempts, failures, and glorious successes! All of which I'd repeat--as they've made me who I am...someone I've grown to love!
He told me I helped him discover some of his own self-love! That may be the kindest compliment of my life!!
He is well on his way to his successes too--with "career successes" his priority. He seems to be reverting to using a "devoted focus" (like that which excelled him through college--while also possibly keeping him a virgin till grad school). A method probably helping him now, as he chooses that form of isolation. I understand, given my own need to shut-out the world when I'm writing--or when avoiding something/someone I haven't quite figured out.
He does not have the support in his world
that I have regarding our unlikely love affair. Aspiring to the lyrics from John Lennon's, "Imagine", helps me. "You may say I'm a dreamer"...while my poor lover battles the conventional confines of family and society pressing on him regarding "ageism in romance".
He told me his favorite song for me is, "Wanted" by Hunter Hayes. I resonated with it too--with empathy for my lover--when hearing the line:
"Cause everythin' that don't make sense about me
Makes sense when I'm with you"
I know his attraction for me doesn't make sense to his world, but he forgets that world when he's with me and vice versa. It's so beautiful!
After our recent cabin week together (see "LOVE TO NO AVAIL" ), our plans were to continue seeing each other over his upcoming last year of grad school (before his subsequent long-distance career move). Realistic to the finite nature of our relationship, we both still wanted it to last as long as possible!
Awareness of this time limitation is what prompted the title of my last story (our story), "LOVE TO NO AVAIL"...that, and a self-reminder of the unlikely reality of this relationship. Still, I'm surprised I allowed myself to use any "negative connotations" these days. Especially given my newly implemented beliefs with the "Law of Attraction" (you attract what you think) and "positive thinking" (keeping all negative thoughts banished).
Yes, I'm surprised I used such a negative title when telling "our story"--for unlike my other autobiographical blog stories of casual affairs, there is a certainty of this one having a sequel! It "is" more than just a "casual affair" after all (did you catch that "positive thinking "--my using "is", instead of "was" ).
Two other stories from last year did turn into "unwritten sequels" however. I continued to hear from them, until informing them of my monogamous relationship. The universe has certainly become even more entertaining now though--for as I sit in a state of "pining limbo", past lovers are coming out of the woodwork!
A suitor from last year got a little pushy recently for someone I'd never met! He was saying that I'm in a state of "denial"--that "ghosting" is the new way his generation ends affairs. So, I should just invite "him" over to help me get over my lost lover!
He went as far as saying, my ex lover would not be giving me "medals" for staying monogamous to him, while he works out his shit! Maybe he's right about the "denial" thing, yet I just need to know for sure what happened--so I will wait...until I won't.
Thanks to AFF, the past year was like a dating whirlwind--probably putting me on many "contact list". That's just it, I don't want to date anyone else now--I want this beautiful thing that my young lover and I created to go on for longer!
Hearing about the dramatic scene preceding his ghosting, makes me know there is more to be said. Call that "denial" if you want, but it's also curiosity and wanting reassurance of his well-being!
I'm even having "writer's block" with the numerous erotica stories I'd planned writing this year--those based on spicy experiences with past lovers. Seems the "sultry-storyteller" in me is obsessing over all I still want to write about "him"! It's hard to think about other stories while in a "state of limbo"...and possibly nursing a broken heart!
Be kind! I'm allowed...even at my age! But truly, I hope I'm always open to finding love at any age--no matter the age differences--if that's the way of it!
Ok, ok...forgive me, as an AFF blogger--gotta write for an audience right! Sex is more popular than "love" on AFF, and I do enjoy writing erotica! It was easier writing about "sex" when I was single or "happy in love" though...it's hard to write erotica when I'm hurting! This "unrequited business"...this "uncertainty" is fucking with me and has me venting...sorry! Thanks for your indulgence folks in reading this "love" story!
I'm moving on from here though! I promise, future stories will be "saucy ones about tryst with former lovers--with no love included"! I plan to make a book of those stories (from that "post-celibacy dating whirlwind" period after joining AFF last year).
By the way, I'm still muted on AFF currently, and nice to see my young lover is too! I haven't wanted the distraction from my constant thoughts of him--yet I'll admit, the attention and persistence of former suitors right now does take the sting out of being ghosted somewhat--even if I'm not ready to date anyone else yet.
Like the "Gosling" character in "The Notebook"--I know my resolve to stay monogamous will weaken. However just like "Noah", I may also remain forever hopeful for the return of my estranged lover...even if from the arms of another.
Luckily, my newly adopted habits--surrounding "positive thinking" and the "Law of Attraction"--are helping with processing what is happening. I worry about my young lover though--my heart truly goes out to him as he struggles through this drama without support.
He was only recently able to share the biggest secret of his life for the first time--he told a college buddy of his preference for mature women. However, once we started dating, the courage to continue confiding in his friend was overpowered by the embarrassment of his attraction to me--a woman "40 years older".
After admitting being in a relationship with me, he found himself reverting inward--to that lonely place where no ears would hear the embarrassment in his voice. But it must have been too hard for him to go back to that state of internal turmoil and isolation.
Seemingly no longer able to "suffer in silence", he went and told his "friend's mother" about me!
God bless him...I was happy for his gaining that potential support! Yet, like with his friend, he found himself deflecting her inquiries about me due to embarrassment--instead of developing those much-needed confidant relationships as support.
Something must have happened to bring everything to a head though! He went even further with a HUGE declaration! He told his "OWN MOTHER" about me! Why did he do that?!! I don't think we ever planned to do that! However, I found myself doing it too.
I'd told my family/friends because I wanted him to be part of my world. Thankfully, my news was met with acceptance. But I can only imagine how dramatic his life has become since sharing the news of our relationship with his "own mother"--especially since I'm older than her!!
His friend texted this had happened, but no details. Even though I'm dying for information, I'm honoring my lover's earlier request for patience and time. I'm even fighting the temptation to text his friend (who's a stranger to me). I'm practicing restraint, but a month of this damn silence is fucking killing me!!
I empathize and understand my poor lover's situation. I'll be thankful when he finds his voice again! In the meantime, I left him with these words I've been pondering:
"When the voice and vision on the inside becomes more profound, clearer and louder, than the opinions on the outside--then you have mastered your life!"
Sadly, our little romance-bubble had to burst much sooner than either of us wanted with him telling his mother! We were to meet again that week, and all changed with that declaration. It was left open-ended with an unspoken explanation.
It says something that he told others about me , but what? I'm happy for his courage though--for regardless of our outcome--at least now he's closer to living his truth and in "owning" his preference for mature women!
I know I'm thought a fool falling so hard for such a young man. But at 23, he is more mature than men older than me at 62. I'm proud I found "my own courage" to end a 15-year celibacy to open myself to love again...even if for a fleeting relationship!
All relationships are fleeting after all--timing being the relative factor--as nothing is permanent. The only certainly in life is "change"! So, a broken heart is not to be feared, but sought after--as the pain of separation is inevitable, either by life or by death...and is always worth it!
I'd rather be a heartbroken fool in love, than a lonely coward! I hope he also discovers that truth, and God gives him more courage to live it someday!
15 comments
You look beautiful, I would like to put my cock deep in your throat and fuck your pretty face and then cum all over your face
Thanks for responding. I'm just getting back to dating/sex again...but think we are looking for something different...I'm looking for respectful ongoing fwb. I'll let you know if I'm in the mood for long-distance virtual play some time lol. 😉 Actually, I'm completely attracted to your body type and age...thanks for the pics!
I just love the last few words of this. Maybe ill be strong enough to live by those rules. But its hard to hurt someine i love deeply and care about. Even if our love language is nit the same. I know she loves me but she cares nothing for physical love just the monitary love. I give her everything she asks for and she is happy but find myself wanting more a hug a kiss a smiple back rub. And to be able to connect with her through touch and im even talking sex. That is entire differnt issue. Love your writing big hugs and kisses and Wow beautiful picture 💋💋
Oh, I feel for you and wish for lots more affections in your life! We humans are meant to connect. My challenge is the opposite in that, no one has ever connected so thoroughly with me, and now it's hard to move on from him...AND, I know I will seek another affectionate partner when I do. I have complete empathy for anyone in a "touchless" relationship. Maybe dialog can help your partner understand the importanceof touch to you?
P.S. Thanks for your supportive words and thanks for reading! Also glad you liked my pic...I'm usually shy and decided I to overcome it for a minute & click send lol!
@sweetmamm your a beautiful woman thankyou for sharing it
Oh how i agree
Thanks for reading!
yes its tough being married but no sexual contact
@funneeded14
Oh dear, my heart goes out you! I'm not sure I could do it...hopefully it's an open-marriage!
@sweetmamm i wish it was i just have to find me a fwb
@funneeded14
Best wishes!
@sweetmamm lol thanks!!!