I went and did it--that which I knew I should not do! I went and fell in love with this young, young man! How could I not, especially when his courage in expressing his love preceded mine?!
Even if it’s so damn easy to feel the same for him because of the person he is---it's also so damn hard saying those words again, after "not" saying them for decades.
I want to say them wholeheartedly, and to go for this relationship he is offering...if only I could get past the part holding me back--that fear of societal judgments. I have been winning though, by just thinking--"fuck the rest of the world"--and actually reciprocating with those four powerful words to him..."I love you too"! I'm even saying it first now--"I love you"--wow, what a liberating feeling this is!
He's everything I've been looking a lifetime to find, yet still can't have--because of his lifetime, still yet to come. The blessing and exhilaration of having this "now" time together, is not lessened by the understanding that his future may not include me (how could it, given our age-gap). However, the palpability of joy we're feeling in this "now" time frame, truly makes the importance of a future together inconsequential.
Thankfully, planning is happening in our "now" time too--having had an incredible "lost weekend" in a hotel, has us thrilled about the "lost week" in a lakeside cabin soon to come!
I love that he took lead planning our lovenest together...such a considerate gentleman! Simply love it when a man takes charge (especially given that burden has mostly fallen to me in prior relationships)...what a refreshing change!
His interest in exploring this fabulous "present time" thing with me has me giddy! He's making me feel 18 again...like with my first love affair--fucking like bunnies all the time and everywhere--gonna be so fun in those woods with him!
This "thing"...naturally thrusting us into mutual highs--is the most powerful gravition toward a lover I've ever experienced--giving the feeling that something magnetically magical is transpiring! It's so great we've agreed to be, "All In", on this ride together!
Both acutely aware of age-gap challenges--we're willing to jump right in anyway! His still being practically virginal, even now in his 20's"...and my, turning 62 while winding-down from this post-celibacy/sexual-rebirth period--doesn't seem to pose deterrents...instead, acting as an aphrodisiac for both of us!
This sexual-rebirth period over the past year, after breaking that 15 year celibacy, turned out to be an absolute trip for me indeed--a "blissful mania of dating/sexual encounters"! I will definitely be writing about it!
In hindsight however, all I really wanted was what I've finally found...a profound connection with a fwb--someone who is intelligent, sexy, young, desirous, and more mature than men twice his age in regards to compassion, consideration, and personal emotional awareness.
A man who had sex only once before meeting me, and yet knew he wanted more than the dry mechanics sex with no connection can bring. We were both seeking something more...something that comes from creating a connection, and the willingness to allow things to build into a form of "love" even. What a blessing indeed that we accomplished this together! Actually, love found us...to the point we kept asking each other..."where the hell have you been"?!!
Discovering that this love was actually possible for us, allowed us to let it happen quickly--with our communication going from daily, to nearly hourly texting, and extended calls nightly--all in efforts to seek the joy of knowing each other better. We kept yearning for more, simply based on what we already knew...that we are both truly lovable people. It is like living with someone when you do it this way...you're sharing your daily lives together...and how glorious when you're both on same page with it!
The frequency of our communication has allowed immense familiarity/intimacy in an incredibly short time--knowledge which normally takes years to learn about a person (seven long-term relationships over many decades taught me that!). It's of no consequence if this type of communication is futuristically unsustainable...again, we are living in the "now", and enjoying the hell out of it!
By throwing all reason and caution to the wind, and agreeing to becoming open--to allowing an experience like this to happen, no matter the outcome--we are now basking in the glow of a truly liberating experience together...AND, a truly memorable weekend of amazing, non-stop rounds of sex too, lol!
In mutually allowing things to progress this way--and without even meeting in-person first-- we'd agreed to becoming monogamous beforehand. Going even further, by stating we'd appreciate it if "falling in love" were part of the journey we are on.
Accepting, without concern, the "finite" probability beforehand...we've given ourselves permission to let
love come...and it has! If it is to be a--"Love...To No Avail"--then so be it...for it is so fucking worth the ride! We just both want to experience it for as long, and as far, as the universe wants to take it.
It just doesn't seem to matter to either of us that we're going a million miles an hour headfirst into this! We are both up for the ride...no matter where it leads, or how long it goes. It's exhilarating, even with being a tad scary--and hell, that's the stuff thrills are made of right!?!
This ride of ours...it's escalated so high, so fast, it's kinda like thinking..."Wow, that last one had to be the highest point of this sexual marathon we're on"...but then realizing, once again..."hey wait, when did we get to an even higher point?!" This was our state of being for the duration of our lost weekend together!
This high we were riding...we did it while touching constantly (by holding hands or some part of each other) the whole damn time! This uncontrollable need to touch--this mysterious compulsion--resulted in us just "not" being able to keep our hands off of each other!
We absolutely couldn't stand "not touching" if we were anywhere within reaching distance of each other! It was that--"just HAD to be touching"--kinda feeling that had my hand gently resting on his knee, or his at the small of my back...THEN, in an instant, so easily turning into something more...into something MUCH, MUCH more...into extreme touching scenarios!
The "MUCH MUCH more"... being the kind of touching where our bodies are overcome with the powerful need to suddenly slam together! We'd be sitting calmly watching TV, and the next second...a glance at each other, and crash...we're completely entwined again!!
The desperate need to immediately become so tightly entwined that no space remained between us, was all consuming! Hugging so fucking tightly, not a glimmer of light penatrated between us...so tightly, our bodies melding like one...then building to where breathing is suspended, nearly even stops, from the mounting feeling of orgasm--a non-stimulated orgasm no less! Then BAM! It actually happened to me...non-stimulated ORGASMS! Orgasms without the touching of erogenous parts...brought on from just fucking CUDDLING!!!!
This shit doesn't just happen every day, or with just anyone! It's so rare actually-- this fucking electric connection...one that many may never experience in a lifetime! Damn, am I ever grateful that this has come to my life again--and that he is getting to experience this for the first time...it truly is a rare blessing!
It really doesn't matter how fucking long this last! However short...I'd ALWAYS do it again and again with him...just like the case with our lost weekend together...again and again!
Yes! That kind of ride! A lost weekend starting with a mutual vow that, "yes" would always be the answer--whenever the other asked for more sex. We were asking throughout the nights too... foregoing sleep...to ride over and over--for what seemed like a weekend filled with like, 20 times! No wonder we stayed in bed all weekend...needing recuperation time between rounds!
So, two nights, non-stop except for the much needed naps in between--we gravitated to each other like magnets...literally! We could not stop touching, even while sleeping, or just passing each other. We stayed cuddled-up...whether laying, standing or sitting...it was truly miraculous!
I simply MUST write about that weekend! Yes...an autobiographical erotica story must indeed follow this then! Hmmm, yeah...it's past damn time I got back to writing anyway...it's been months since I've posting anything on aff!
In addition to falling in love, my life branched into other interesting directions during my absence. I embarked on my own version of the Julia Roberts' movie, "Eat, Pray, Love", over this past year as well--seeking spiritual enlightenment, mindfulness and self-awareness.
I've been on quite a "spiritual journey", before love hit me out of the blue. Some of the more memorable experiences were:
● Going on a body awareness retreat with clothed touching (this one wasn't sexual).
● Visiting a Sexologist's office for hypnosis and touch therapy.
● Participating in an extraordinary daily remote relationship for months, with a man I met through a spiritual singles site. It developed into a profound, energetic/telephathic/sexual/healing kind of remote connection. This was done by the remote sending of Reiki healing and sexual telepathy/energy. We also enlightened each other by sharing info on metaphysics, 5th dimension exploration, Law of Attraction, and more.
● Experiencing the EESystem (Energy Enhancement System).
● Self-help coursework with:
-Mathew McConaughey/"Road Trip"/Mastermind
-Jeffrey Allen/energywork/MindValley
-Matt Kahn/Transformative Power of Holding Space
...and more.
So, I've been living life like a human-sponge... soaking up all I can, following the paths it's showing me, and seeking my own "Radical Authenticity".
This "falling in love" thing is one of the paths I am thrilled to be following for now too... how glorious!
Lost weekend details to follow in another post...entitled, "LOVE TO NO AVAIL".
Thanks for reading!
14 comments
Hi Mary,
I'm glad you're back writing again, and look forward to reading whatever you share.
You've been on quite the journey, over the last 16 months, and each individual piece, has its purpose, whether you realize it or not. Nothing is for not, and everything has its time and place, and will be revealed in the proper time.
Big, big hugs,
Tom
Hi Tom, my buddy, my pal...always love hearing from you & love the hours of conversation we've shared on endless topics! I really Love you dude! You are the wisest person I know and it's been a blessing building this incredible friendship with you... you call me out on my shit & make me go deeper...that's what true friendship is...caring enough to show "tough love". Thank you friend for helping me grow as a person! 😘
@sweetmamm
Hi Mary,
Yes, we've surely shared on endless topics. I love you, too. I don't know about all that, but building this friendship has been an incredible time. Digging deep, past the superfluous noise, is always where the truth, of any journey, lies.
You're very welcome, my friend, as I think anything of such substance, makes all parties grow.
Big Hugs and Kisses,
Tom
@TomCatnDubai
Gosh, I do love building special relationships! Thanks for ours! Talk soon. 😊
That’s the longest post I’ve ever read on here!
Of course, you know that love/attraction is the most powerful force in the human universe!
Good luck with it…
Blog on!
Nice you got all the way threw it lol! Yes, I don't do a daily blog... I use mine to post short stories on occasion. Thanks for reading!