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83 comments
What you described is pretty much what I'd like to have, minus the kink. But for FWB, I wouldn't mind married as long as they're a swinger couple and I get to meet and hang out with the wife, too. Even if we don't play, if we like each other, it works out better. My bubble bath buddy's wife was amazing!
Sadly, some dudes can't distinguish the difference between FWB and FB. If dudes contact the girl only when he wants to get laid and crickets the rest of the time, she's nothing more than a vessel to stick his dick in 🤨
You've been lucky that way, in terms of meeting couples where the wife was more than on board. Like I said, maybe I'll do some evolving on this, but for now single or solo poly seems the least complicated.
That's how Pam described online dating: I have a cock and you have a vagina to put it in. We're perfect for each other."
@kzoopair I have to think that is right, based on the number of WAY younger way hotter guys who click like on my Feeld profile. I guess they’re assuming the warm vagina will be used in a lights-out situation.
@smartasswoman Well, I would most definitely want lights on if you were in the room. I have to confess I'm a little out of my element discussing dating profiles and how to find a partner, how to prioritize certain preferences. It's been a long time since I was single. It appears to me that like any other field, the internet is both a blessing and a curse.
I agree that the type of relationship and what you expect to get out of it alters the level that things are "deal breakers". If dating other men has taught me anything, it is that my husband was and is the 100% right choice for me as a life partner. While I wouldn't necessarily rank him as my best lover, he is twice the man in almost every other way than anyone else I've been with in all my active sex life years. I think it makes it easy for him to remain unaffected by jealousy to know that even the most compatible men I've been with just don't hold a candle to him as a partner. That said, I think there are a LOT of things you can overlook in a sexual partner or FWB that you can't overlook in someone that you share a more complete life with. Frankly, if I were single, I don't think I would have really "dated" more than one or two of the guys I have been with as a hot wife and I doubt anyone would have turned into a LTR. Just too many deal breakers. But sometimes a girl just wants a good boink! LOL
You’re pretty lucky to have it all - a great husband and some other people for an extra boink, lol.
I already thought of a refinement. Play Partner is unlikely to involve sex, although things might get sexy/sensual.
Are you actually into doing BDSM or do you just carry that leather whip for show?
Hey there. 😊 You won’t ever see me with a whip, that takes a lot of practice and I don’t have enough patience to get to the point where it would be a safe, controlled experience. I love flogging, both giving and receiving. Have been known to use a crop and a paddle as well, along with good old bare hands and fingernails.
@smartasswoman
I wasn't sure what the acronym BDSM stood for so I looked it up on Urban Dictionary, I confess I plagiarized that line from their site.
@wopuc oh, you are an innocent! Come over to the dark side, we have cookies.
I'm sure it'll be an ever evolving document but dang that's a great start to drilling down to state exactly what you're looking for. If that changes, that's your prerogative to edit!
Thanks…I don’t really know if this will help me but it was a good thought exercise.
It's always nice to vocalize your wish list. I'm never as detailed with mine.
Except about where we stand on fitness, politics, music, entertainment, lifestyle choices, distance, kinks and a mutual understanding of the commitment we both feel like making.
Oh crap — I just described YOUR list. 😮
Political views and a sense of humour are the deal breakers. People can find workarounds for some of those other items if a couple is attracted to each other.
Yes, my list for "partner" is pretty detailed, and like I said, it feels less and less likely to happen.
There's a lot more wiggle room for a FWB, but I agree with you, it would be hard for me to feel very friendly with someone who has really abhorrent politics.
Now if someone happened to love heavy metal or atonal free jazz? I would hope an accommodation could be reached. Headphone listening, perhaps. 😂
@smartasswoman
No.
That's in that deal-breaker category.
I don't care how good the sex is. 😶
It's the photo that elicited the laugh emoji.
When Pam and I met we were an hour and a half apart. She was convinced in the early days that for that reason alone it wouldn't work. Her pragmatic skepticism didn't last two weeks. It was hard, very hard at times. I commuted the hour and a half every day for two years because we couldn't be apart. As exhausting as it was I'd do it over again a hundred times.
On the laugh emoji, I figured. 😊
I didn't know that about the start of your and Pam's relationship, that's pretty amazing. I suppose if I met someone who I was OVER THE MOON about (and there was potential for that distance becoming less at some point), I wouldn't let distance stop me. I haven't met anyone who I felt that strongly about in the last 18 years though, so for now "within an hour's drive" seems reasonable, generous even.
@smartasswoman We wrote 'how we met" posts about it but it was quite a while ago. The protests in Ferguson Missouri got me thinking about how two people standing side by side often have very different views of an event. So Pam and I each wrote our own versions of how we met. What was remarkable I guess is how similar our stories were.
You're very articulate with your wants, needs, and desires.
I like that. Communication is so very important. And knowing where things are starting, makes the journey more enjoyable.
As I mentioned to someone below, I think I'm better at writing about it than I am at making it happen! If I was a little more woo-woo I'd be working "manifesting" it, haha.
Though I’m not suggesting that you operate the same as I do, in this regard… I also have a kind-of spectrum of partner-types that I seek…
Preface: My sexual attractions are mostly with women, but I also experience [intermittent] desire/need to have sex with men.
Hookups with guys are usually very shallow, casual and one-time only. I usually don’t kiss these guys. I don’t even need to be very attracted to them much, in order to get off.
That doesn’t mean that I NEVER kiss guys. If I am especially attracted to them, and feel some level of affinity with them, then making out can be part of sex. (sometimes lots of tongue-kissing, sometimes not so much). These are guys that I am inclined to see again (as fuck-buddies/FWBs)… although I’m still unlikely to develop romantic interest in them.
>>>So, here’s my dilemma, Smarty:
do I post these options on a profile, meet a guy, and let him know how he rates, by saying, “um, no - I’m not attracted to you enough to kiss you on the mouth. Can I just suck your dick, & we’ll call it done?”
Haha. As a conflict-avoider, I’d rather just advertise for sex-only… and then flirt/ hint that I’m open to more… & if there is a stronger mutual attraction, then take it from there.
Thoughts? Suggestions?
It sounds like you’re what Dan Savage would call bisexual (or pansexual?) but “hetero-romantic” - interested in sex with anyone but unlikely to feel romantic toward same sex. I think it’s fairly common. If you wanted to signal that inclination you could put that on your profile? But I think the strategy in your final paragraph is fine too. Under-promise (“if you’re a guy this will probably just be a hookup” ) and then over-deliver if it turns out an attraction is there.
But you raise a good point in that my writing doesn’t really address gender at all. My pansexual status on my Feeld profile is mostly theoretical since I’ve never had a relationship with a woman or trans person. Kink scenes, yes. Sex, yes, in the context of being a unicorn with a couple.
@smartasswoman “Pansexual and Hetero-romantic” … yes - definitely more specific (& accurate)… and - when I’m more actively seeking romance, that would be appropriate to add.
I think this is really clear (in fact, I may plagiarise you...) - I don't think it does any harm to be straightforward (though, of course, it helps if the man actually reads it as well, which is sometimes a rather big "if"!).
One thing I slightly would disagree with, personally, is over the politics ones, though I realise we're in a very different environment than you guys are, in that respect. I have friends who would say that we have very different political leanings, but we tend to have the same views on what a good and just world would look like, just differ in what we think would be the ways to achieve that - and that matters more, in terms of a shared worldview, than whether we tick red, blue, or yellow on a ballot paper. I wouldn't be banging a fascist, antisemite, or racist, but I could (and have) sleep with someone who voted differently in the referendum to me, had a different opinion on the Union, or has a different understanding of how the state should work in the lives of its citizens. As I say - we're in a very different political environment to you guys: but differing politics isn't always a deal-breaker for me.
Sure, there are gradations. Could I have a partner who was a moderate Republican? Maybe. Those people are not very visible compared to the climate change deniers, the people who were anti-mask during the height of the pandemic, the gun nuts.
Minneapolis is a very liberal city and there are probably some people who would think I’m too conservative just because I don’t have ACAB in my profile (All Cops Are Bastards). I’m a nitpicker. Maybe if it was Many Cops Are Bastards. But that just doesn’t have the same ring.
@spunkycumfun That you know of...
Hmmmm. Politically opposite, no way.
Emotionally opposite, maybe.
I was just re-reading the comments section on this post and it occurs to me that some of the men I've been very attracted to were extroverts (whereas I am a pretty confirmed introvert). So yes, from that standpoint you are correct that opposites attract!
@smartasswoman
@lonlyforlove2 interacting online is a whole different thing and doesn’t drain my energy! 😁
I do try to get out and be social, but it’s almost a matter of forcing myself to do it because I keep reading about how isolation is unhealthy. If left to my own devices I would be alone a lot…
@smartasswoman
@smartasswoman
My parents were total opposites on the voting and political scale. Dad was far right and stood for those views. Mom was pretty far left and all of those views and stood strong. They were a strong solid unit that loved their marriage and raised us well. Always cancelled each other in 90% of voting.
Not sure I carry such clear rules and definitions as I read her requirements. Smartasswomen is well thought out for sure. I go more with the flow and can adapt I feel. But, I do have non-negotiables and preferences, I find the bonds need to happen more organically for my liking.
@lonestar3399 I'm sure it can work for some couples. Knowing myself, I just doubt that it would for me.
@smartasswoman - fair statement and no better strength than to know one self. Peace and be well!
Very well written. Thank you.
Thanks. 😊
Well said and well wrote
Thanks 😊
I agree and meet all your types except I live in IL.So sad!
You know what? I just went and checked out some of your blog posts and I don't see us as being compatible at all. But, as you noted, you live in IL so it doesn't matter. Cheers!
Excellent. You make it very clear what you are interested in. I would enjoy talking to you more about it, as I think we would be on the same page on a lot
As ever, the geographical curse of AFF strikes again! Damn it, you are not even on my holiday itinerary ! I think your "wants list" is reasonable, well thought out and entirely sensible. I hope that enough select, lucky guys fall into your orbit to keep you satisfied.
Alles gute, as they say round these parts!
I think it's reasonable too. 😊 I do now have a pretty steady FWB, but due to kid and job commitments he's often not very available. A "spare" who has the time to actually do "date" stuff (not just come over and spend the night) would be great. 😃
I hope you enjoy your summer travels on this side of the pond!
Enigmatic Lady, Get in Touch
You have a different definition of "local" than I do... 🤔
Something like an autistic romance. Literally is the groove.
The picture?
Or my relationship definitions? 😟
@smartasswoman yes the picture
@Magna970 Ok, whew.
This reads both concisely and attractively to me Smarty - you are clear about what you want, without being too proscriptive about what the other person must be like - avoids all those off-putting negatives I see so often. Gold Star, I hope you go to the top of the class!
Meanwhile, who is the painting by? I love the way the artist has captured her sideways glance down her nose - she really isn't feeling it is she!
No, she’s definitely miffed. Great question, perhaps I’ll have to do a reverse image search.
The artist is Walter Sadler and the title of the painting is Married. NOW we understand why they are ignoring each other!
aucklandartgallery.com
I wish I was in the local area. I think we could be good play partners
As long as you realize "play partner" most likely means me beating your ass and no sex happening.
(a clarification that I realized was necessary after I hit the Post button)
@smartasswoman that would be fine with me