So I flash back to a time in my world, just before i woke up and I was 30.
I was bartending
Fucking for fucks sake was still workin for me
There were 5ish guys that were kinda in rotation
That's code for mood modifying substances were a plenty
and temperance was a value that I didnt care to even know about until after i woke up and was 30
Point being that I'd have an issue with one...and on to the next...
round and round those 5ish i went
cuz i would forget after a while why i'd moved on in the first place
so...
I started to journal
making notes of
why
i'd
moved on
one by one
as i reminded myself
i told them..."sorry... Your a dick... that's why i left you... and no I don't wanna fuck you... the fucking im getting is not worth the fucking im getting from you"
Eventually I "cameled" up
This phrase i coined for just such an occasion
I stopped fucking all of them
in fact
I stopped fucking for fucks sake or any other sake totally... i cameled up
This memory came back in a flood tonight obviously totally different situation but
i think the reason that i I was reminded of this tonight
was due to the fact that....
In a matter of five, maybe six minutes of talking on the phone to a person that i'd only exchanged emails with here and there
and
nothing like cyber sex or even close
he'd not seen my face or anything thats not on my profile
There was a reason for that and it took me almost 10 minutes to realize that this guy was not who i needed or wanted to be talking to
He taked about having all the patience in the world as he requested a face pic, a body pic... why was it taking me so long
FUCK YOU i finally blurted out
I DONT WANT TO TALK TO YOU
"Why are you so upset? "
Cuz your pushy and this isnt fun
"Okay, you get some rest and we'll talk tomorrow" he says
My Eagle landed and that's the kind of notes and journal entries i long, ache, desire
The one i wrote, and write this about:
I think of Him, The Eagle, that i met a bit ago and the only one that i have been intimate with ..well, since the night before the hubs passed.
He makes me happy, across the board
we have fun
we laugh
conversation
or
no conversation
It's good
OH soooo fucking good
again, I do not posses, in my vernacular, the feeling
shit im about a mushy, sappy, screaming, moaning, non sentence making hot, happy mess...
and i want more, please
from the fist time we spoke on the phone
he was ... not your average bear....
We talked that saturday night
i was my non bullshitting self
and told him straight up that if he was coming to get laid
he shouldnt waste his time, effort, and gas for the total round trip of 6 hours or better
His response
"I said I want to spend time with you"
I say
"if you feel that way in the morning, let me know"
11ish the next day he calls me on the road south for an hour or so
headed south
I got off the elevator
my heart beating 1000 miles a minute
he gets out of his vehicle
both of us smiling
and this man had really paid attention to what i'd said
and he got it
I went to hug him and he kissed
WHAT A KISS
AND OH YESSS I WAS MOANING AS I MELTED INTO A PUDDLE
After our faces backed away from each other
I WAS SPEACHLESS
without skipping a beat
he says
"Okay, lets go get some food"
I still couldnt speak
it was a good 30 seconds before i even moved at all
I have never, ever, in all my years met someone that
i felt so comfortable with off the bat
the conversation was natural, unforced, and that was
awesome
we laughed
we teased each other
7 hours flew by
and not once did i have to
ask
explain
show
or want
need more of
anything but Him
He was, across the board, spot on
He didnt want to leave and I didnt want him to
Reality was we both had to work the next morning
and He still had to drive 3 hrs and change home
That fist ... meeting... both of the crazy/hot chickies that he noticed i seem to attract were amazed that we'd only just met... 'OH THIS IS YOUR FIRST DATE?" ... it took the hubs over 5 years to pick up on that knack or antenna i seem to have for attracting them... took Him 2 hours, 2 crazy/hot chicks and he commented on it... I told him about MJ... that's when the hot isn't worth it cuz the crazy brings the police... it's a slippery slope.. no pun intended
Also, not labeling every freakin thing has been funny and the R word... relationship , i realized after i stated that friendship is a relationship, is just a trigger that i don't care to pull, however the last time we were finishing up dinner, a new place that i'd gotten a great groupon for, and we'd met some really cool people... this youngin a few seats away says "i want a relationship like y'all have. Your conversation is so real and you both say how you really feel and play with each other so good" .... okay... as my drink shoots outta my nose... kidding .. bout the drink not the statement the youngin made
we laughed
the band had been setting up on the back patio, but it had started to rain.. mmmmm..... love the wind and the rain.... mmmm..... back to the room? fuck yeah... lets stop by the store and get supplies...
..... It took me till breakfast the next morning to be able to make complete sentences again.
Also the first time since the hubs passed that i'd slept with the TV off
and
the ONLY time ive ever, ever let myself, or been comfortable being held, cuddled and fall asleep that way...AND wake up the same way
That may not sound like much
but to me
it was a new and i still am ..... taken aback abit... hahahaha aback abit...
yes we live far apart
i've come to realize that it certainly makes the time that we're together
special
This is gonna sound crazy (yeah, now im thinking about sounding crazy..hahahah) but I think the universe, or at least the part that we explore when we're together, responds in kind
a kind of outline is batted about
and something pops up.. again, no pun intended
everything seems to fall into place
the outings
and
the innings
l
pun intended
when we're together
This past week end was the first time since that we've not spent time together
Life happens
Storms happen
After my slide across the soaked balcony on Tuesday night
Spending most of the day into the evening in the ER on Wednesday
Finding out, by accident, literally and figuratively, as two other health issues got picked up on the scan that ended up being done after the xrays.
I may have not ever known about them if i hadnt wiped out.
Since im grounded, drs orders, till monday
i shored up the little place I looked at that's aptly placed.
that's another story
another post
a horse of a different color?
I'm excited, mixed with a little anxiety, as this is the first time I've moved by myself; ever
I am taking my Nanas dresser and the two book shelves the hubs made for me
that's it for furniture
the more i look around
the less i decide i need to hold onto
granted there's some things that i'll keep till i leave this earth
I also locked down the help im going to need to actually move my stuff
thats another first
Chris and I had always moved ourselves
my body and no elevator on the other end
make me realize that i'd better, as much as i dislike asking for help, enlist/take up an offer, to help me on this one
physical and moral support is most welcomed and needed
I've got a week to pack, turn on the power, give the new place a good cleaning
then
onward
forward
while im well aware that i'll not live one nano second without those i've loved, been in love with, and been love by, in my heart and soul
Im still here on this earth, in body, and need to continue to grow and learn to feed my soul and fulfill my purpose
Forward Motion
Passion
Laughter
Life
LIving
not just existing
I AM loud
and
messy
I come from a good place;
I come from the heart (theres a twisted quip in there that im going to pass on)
and
that's me
im not always right
but
im
always
real
and doing the best that i can
Here i go... Turn the page
New chapters have already been written
Lunatic Fringe....?
Naaa... it's just me... no agenda ...but to.....
keep on keepin on
Roll with the Changes
and to ....
Rock On...
Ooh my Soul
xoxoxochicaxoxoxo
3 comments
Quite a story and a whole lot of emotions expressed.
I get where you're coming from. And the funny thing is, I know where your man is coming from as well; sounds like him and I share that gene.
I'm not sure if I could move alone. Damn girl, you travel light; that's all you're taking?
F##k, Iv'e gotta start throwing stuff out.
Hey, best of luck with the move and all and with your new guy.
I would have been hungry after a 3 hour drive as well. 💕👍❗✔