For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity.
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Posted:Mar 26, 2007 11:35 am
Last Updated:May 11, 2024 10:24 am 1584 Views
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Seen on the web...New stuff to follow next week.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? (Somebody please explain THIS ONE to me) (I know there's a logical explanation, but it escapes me)
How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
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Remodel This! Part II
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Posted:Mar 21, 2007 6:51 am
Last Updated:Mar 21, 2007 2:06 pm 1764 Views
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Terri and I had an argument at Lowes last night. She insisted that only items marked ‘baseboard’ are actually baseboard; and that an item marked ‘casing’ though it appears to be baseboard, cannot be used for baseboard. Sweet Jesus, where is that Vicodin? I assured her that the item marked ‘casing’ can indeed be used for things other than casing and no one will be the wiser. I reminded her that manly men know these ‘tricks of the trade’ and she should just nod and be respectful of my skill as a home remodeler. “After all”, I reminded her, “who is it that tightens the screws to your eyeglasses regularly?” Okay, so what if I have to consult my 1954 series of Time-Life books on home repair to fix her eyeglasses…it gets done.
Lowes is no place to have an argument anyway. It’s bad enough that we practically live there; and that the employees greet us by name. (Last night I actually heard a cashier go ‘cha-ching’, when we entered). We tied up aisle 14 for a good 20 minutes and drew a fair sized crowd. I got really annoyed when a guy in a ‘plumbers lay great pipe’ tee shirt started taking side-line bets.
To top off this wonderful evening the doorway alarms started blaring as we were exiting. And yes, another crowd formed as a grim faced store manager made his way over. “Where do you think you going with that casing?” he exclaimed. “I paid for it, I’m taking it home,” I said smugly. “Not if you’re going to use it as baseboard you’re not. That would be against store policy and code B312 of the New Edition Time-Life Series. You’ll have to pull over next to that plumber.”
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More Mother-in-Law Law
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Posted:Mar 18, 2007 9:48 pm
Last Updated:Mar 19, 2007 11:37 am 1807 Views
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They don’t call them mother-in-laws for nothing. Here are a few of my MIL’s laws….:
Never leave an open drink container out. Someone will drop drugs into it or steal it. Of course, some of you are hoping someone will drop drugs in it.
If you have a refrigerator in the garage, never put food in it. Some one will steal the food. Never mind the tools, toys, and thousands of other things worth a small fortune…they want the food.
If you must drive at all, never drive at night.
Always leave at least a ¼ mile between your car and the car in front of you.
Always stop at a light, even if it’s green. It will eventually turn red and you don’t want to get caught in the middle. Also slow down at least a ½ mile before the light or stop sign.
Don’t run in the snow. Don’t walk in the snow. Don’t go out if it’s snowing… as a matter of fact don’t go out period. Someone will steal you.
Never travel. Ever.
During an electrical storm, never talk on the phone, run anything electrical, or talk loudly. Shut off the main power supply, go in the basement and tap Morse code, ‘SOS’ on the pipes. Wait for help
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Nat
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Posted:Mar 18, 2007 8:45 am
Last Updated:Mar 24, 2007 7:20 pm 2066 Views
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Nat the Painter
You’ve heard about Ken - the handyman from hell; whose work speed is like being caught in a space time warp where seconds become years, and hanging a picture might take a decade or more. Now meet Nat, the sunshiney painter who is dumber than a bar of soap. A tree has a higher IQ than this cheery fellow. How dumb is he? I’m glad you asked…
Our home, (under perpetual construction), was ready to be painted. So after careful consideration of 3 estimates we decided to go with Nat. Nat seemed to have all the credentials; his referrals and his pricing were good…and he has a great sunny smile. He told us it would take about four days and that he worked until six most evenings. (Four days!! To us - Ken from Hell users -, that’s roadrunner fast!) That right there should have been a warning. Terri and I picked three colors for the home… not twelve or five, just three simple colors. Easy right? F*ck.
Terri went over the colors half a dozen times with Nat, and even went so far as to mark each wall with a ‘L’, ‘M’, and a ‘D’ for light, medium and dark. Paint by numbers was never this easy. Nat took careful notes, asked questions and was in perfect form when I left him.
So why, when I came home in the afternoon was he using the wrong colors on the walls? WHY?
Mickey: “Hey Nat! That’s the wrong color man…”
Nat: “No it’s not.”
Mickey: ‘Yes Nat it is…see the big ‘D’ here? That’s for ‘dark’.”
Nat: “No see here…my notes say ‘light color on right side of home’.”
Mickey…turning Nat around to face other direction: “How about now?”
Nat: “Oh.”
No wonder he works till 6 most days. I’m sure it takes him most of the day to open a f*cking can of paint.
On top of all of this I hear Ken shout…”Mick! I’ve finished the patio doors!”
“About friggin time”, I thought.
Me (inspecting doors), “How do they open, Ken?”
Ken: “You want them to open?”
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Why you should never take your husband shopping with you.
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Posted:Mar 15, 2007 8:30 pm
Last Updated:May 11, 2024 10:24 am 1873 Views
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Letter from store: Re: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints
Mrs. Fenton,
Our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with us unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offenses over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:
Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse/partner is shopping
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Serv ice Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
(And; last, but not least!)
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
Sincerely,
Store Manager
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Ken
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Posted:Mar 13, 2007 8:20 pm
Last Updated:Mar 17, 2007 11:11 am 1907 Views
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Ken is our handy-man. He makes $300 a day, plus all the iced-tea he can drink. Ken also likes to talk. He talks to us, he talks on the phone he talks to the neighbors, he talks to my Sam…he talks to the neighbors dog…he talks and talks and talks…., probably, $150 worth a day. I even tried to limit the time I spend with Ken; in hopes he would stop talking. But that didn’t work…he just saves it all up for when I see him and lets loose like the twisted rubber band on a hand glider.
It’s not like he doesn’t work; he does. He sips iced-tea and talks and occasionally hefts a hammer as though it were some new modern technology he has to reacquaint himself with. If you deduct the chatter and iced-tea breaks from his daily salary, (and I assure you this was done…all scientific and sh*t), he works about $37.46 per day.
Ken was telling me a story the other day about his grandkids birthday party, (in between sips of tea), and I just nonchalantly asked him when he thought he might finish hanging the picture over the fire place. He’s been working on that picture since November. I knew immediately this was the wrong question. He set his iced-tea down and said, “Don’t you go rushing me now! That’s how mistakes happen! You won’t be happy if it’s not done correctly, will you? Now refill this tea and let me get back to telling about all the presents my grandbaby got.”
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Spam, spam, spam, eggs and spam
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Posted:Mar 12, 2007 7:21 pm
Last Updated:Mar 13, 2007 5:48 pm 1944 Views
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If I had responded to all of the spam e-mail I received in the past two weeks, I would have netted approximately $7.4 billion from assisting various deposed heads of state in securing their rightful fortunes.
Also, my p*nis would be 56 inches long and I would have seen more than a lifetime's worth of vag.nas and boobies.
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Throwing out the earplugs
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Posted:Mar 10, 2007 9:36 pm
Last Updated:Mar 11, 2007 4:51 pm 2107 Views
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Thank God my is now old enough to go to concerts by himself. I knew it was time when I saw that I was the only one at the WachoviaCenter with earplugs and a book. Fu*king Corey wouldn’t even hold the flashlight straight. He insisted he needed to jump up and down and scream with everyone else. That sh it is something I cannot fathom; unless of course your hair is on fire. Then jumping up and down and screaming is perfectly acceptable. Rolling also. Don’t forget to roll.
The very last concert I took him to was The Offspring at Electric Factory. They were fantastic but thank God, (again), for the small bar upstairs. Without it I would have had to endure a ‘mosh’ with 2,000 pubescent teens and never would have gotten drunk. Now since ‘mosh’ rhymes with ‘nosh’, you’d think great fun eh? A little music, maybe a bagel with a shmear and some lox… fat chance. Now instead of my jumping up and down and screaming, he is jumping up and down and screaming on top of other pubescent teens. What the f*ck is that about? People were actually hitting each other…smashing and slamming their bodies, and get this…no one was on fire! They did that later.
What ever happened to the good old hippie daze? When concert goers could barely stand let alone fight? I miss em. I don’t remember them, but I miss them all the same. There was no ‘moshing’ at Woodstock; just good old hallucinogens and weed, (not that I was there, but I saw the movie dammit!). Can you picture Mamma Cass doing a little crowd surfing? Some stage diving by Hendrix?
Anyway, Corey and his friends can now do just about anything without parental supervision. Amen to that brother! Say goodbye to The Jungle Book and gay purple dinosaur sh it, and hello to Pennywise and The Misfits. Corey…just a word to the wise. Don’t break any bones and don’t forget to roll .
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Life in Philly
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Posted:Mar 10, 2007 6:13 am
Last Updated:Mar 10, 2007 9:44 pm 2004 Views
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Glass half full:
Each day is the same old shi t. We wake up, go to work, eat the same crap we had yesterday and the day before. Sometimes, on rare occasions, we smile.
The weather is always pretty sh itty and on good days there is a noxious hazy crud that lies over the city and makes our eyes water and our throats coarse. Roads are always jammed and the ride to work is slightly better than a knife to the eye. Of course, parking is non-existent and I decide that the attendant who just spit on the windshield was actually trying for a better tip.
After cutting a swath through the hookers, pimps and drug dealers in front of the school yard, I dump my to the mental patient he calls the teacher.
The rest of the day is uneventful and after electric shock therapy I hunker down and get to work on more excuses why the report that my boss asked for 2 weeks ago, still isn’t done. The ‘allergic to the new ink toner’ bit is starting to wear thin.
I get home about 6pm and my wife immediately unlocks my shackles long enough to order dinner. I always get her favorite from Angelo’s, a large pizza pie with no sauce and no cheese. I put the to bed and read them the next chapter of the ‘Exorcist’.
Life is good.
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Her idea of fun put me in the hospital
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Posted:Mar 8, 2007 9:04 pm
Last Updated:Mar 9, 2007 10:07 am 2135 Views
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Just came back from the orthopedist. Sh it. T12 compressed and possibly cracked vertebrae. All from a little fun.
She was a sexy thing. All decked out, she glowed...I bet you could see her for miles. I got excited just looking at her...I had to have her. Right then. I wouldn't take no for an answer.
This is how I remember it: First she had me measured. She said size definitely mattered; and bigger was better. She said she measured everyone who wanted to be in her.
I sat on her and she put me in straps.But it was when I finally got on her that she rocked my world. You know I was moving with the grooving. I had the motion of my thighs rocking and rolling. I was locked into her. Sweat was pouring off of me and my heart was pounding to bursting. The next thing I know she was under me, then twisting in ways I never thought possible. I felt as though I was flying... My vision was blurred and I was thoroughly out of breath. I was spent. And she wanted more. She kept going and going and only after crying out for her to stop...did she finally relent. My legs were wobbly, and she had me so I couldn't walk straight for days.
\bsexo?\b? Fu*k no, is that all you ever think of? It was the Talon roller coaster at Dorney Park. Fu*ked me up, but good.
They should give out fu*king back braces for the over 40 crowd, as they strap you into that monster. But you know it was all worthwhile. I went back for seconds and thirds. I was in love.
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