drinking too much?
|
Posted:Jul 12, 2013 8:53 am
Last Updated:Oct 14, 2013 4:32 pm 2042 Views
|
I have found that if I drink too much, my tongue goes to thweep...
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
more bedroom furniture
|
Posted:Jul 2, 2013 9:26 am
Last Updated:Jul 3, 2013 6:21 pm 1962 Views
|
The store keeps calling me to come back and buy more bedroom furniture, but all I really wanted was a one night stand.
|
|
|
2
Comments
|
|
Hobbit incident
|
Posted:Jun 15, 2013 1:54 pm
Last Updated:May 13, 2024 8:22 am 1841 Views
|
Last night I woke up shouting, "Hobbit, Hobbit, Hobbit!"
My significant other said that I was Tolkien in my sleep again...
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Gracie Allen Classic Recipe for Roast Beef
|
Posted:Jun 12, 2013 10:35 am
Last Updated:Jun 13, 2013 7:06 am 2026 Views
|
Gracie Allen Classic Recipe for Roast Beef
1 large Roast of beef
1 small Roast of beef
Take the two roasts and put them in the oven.
When the little one burns, the big one is done.
|
|
|
2
Comments
|
|
Travel Warning
|
Posted:Apr 13, 2013 8:31 am
Last Updated:Apr 16, 2013 10:18 am 2357 Views
|
Travel Warning
A government warning was issued today saying anyone traveling in icy or blizzard conditions should have the following:
- Shovel, blankets or sleeping bag
- Extra clothing including scarf, hat and gloves
- 24 hours supply of food and drink
- De-icer
- 5 lbs of rock salt
- flashlight with spare batteries
- Road flares and reflective triangles
- Tow rope
- 5 gallon gas can
- First aid kit
- Jumper cables
I felt like a complete idiot on the bus this morning...
|
|
|
3
Comments
|
|
The Burglar
|
Posted:Mar 21, 2013 11:57 am
Last Updated:Mar 23, 2013 10:09 am 2190 Views
|
The other night I surprised a guy who had broken into my house. He said he was looking for money. I looked with him...
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
One Powerful Woman
|
Posted:Mar 17, 2013 7:11 pm
Last Updated:Mar 19, 2013 12:51 pm 2194 Views
|
Eleven people were hanging on a cable in a rescue effort by a helicopter search team. There were 10 men and 1 woman clinging to that rope. The line was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one person had to drop off, otherwise they would fall.
They were not able to choose the one person who would make the sacrifice, but then the woman made a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope because as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and , and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all of the men began clapping their hands...
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
some fun at the hospital!
|
Posted:Mar 13, 2013 6:27 pm
Last Updated:Mar 15, 2013 12:31 pm 2168 Views
|
I am a senior citizen.
I got ill and was in the hospital for a few days.
There was one nurse that just drove me crazy.
Every time she came in, she would talk to me like I was a little .
She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, 'And how are we doing this morning?'.
Or, 'Are we ready for a bath?', or, 'Are we hungry?'
I had had enough of this particular nurse.
So, at breakfast I took the apple juice off the tray and put it in my bed side stand.
Later, I was given a urine bottle to fill for testing.
So, guess where the apple juice went!
The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it.
'My, it seems we are a little cloudy today.'
At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, 'Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time.'
The nurse fainted...
I just smiled.
DON'T MESS WITH 'OLD' PEOPLE
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
Things you don't hear anymore, and probably neve will again
|
Posted:Mar 12, 2013 3:51 pm
Last Updated:Mar 17, 2013 7:49 pm 2063 Views
|
THINGS YOU DON'T HEAR ANY MORE, AND PROBABLY NEVER WILL AGAIN...!
Be sure to refill the ice trays, we're going to have company.
Watch for the mailman, I want to get this letter to Willie in the mail today.
Quit slamming the screen door when you go out!
Be sure and pull the windows down when you leave, it looks like a shower is coming up.
Don't forget to wind the clock before you go to bed.
Wash your feet before you go to bed, you've been playing outside all day barefooted.
Why can't you remember to roll up your britches legs? Getting them caught in the bicycle chain so many times is tearing them up. You have torn the knees out of that pair of pants so many times there is nothing left to put a patch on.
Don't you go outside with your school clothes on!
Go comb your hair; it looks like the rats have nested in it all night.
Be sure and pour the cream off the top of the milk when you open the new bottle.
Take that empty bottle to the store with you so you won't have to pay a deposit on another one.
Put a dish towel over the cake so the flies won't get on it.
Quit jumping on the floor! I have a cake in the oven and you are going to make it fall if you don't quit!
Let me know when the Fuller Brush man comes by, I need to get a few things from him.
You boys stay close by, the car may not start and I will need you to help push it off.
There's a dollar in my purse, get 5 gallons of gas when you go to town.
Open the back door and see if we can get a breeze through here, it is getting hot.
You can walk to the store; it won't hurt you to get some exercise.
Don't sit too close to the TV. It is hard on your eyes.
If you pull that stunt again, I am going to wear you out!
Don't lose that button; I'll sew it back on after awhile.
Wash under your neck before you come to the table, you have beads of dirt and sweat all under there.
Get out from under the sewing machine; pumping it messes up the thread!
Be sure and fill the lamps this morning so we don't have to do that tonight in the dark.
Here, take this old magazine to the toilet with you when you go, we are almost out of paper out there..
Go out to the well and draw a bucket of water so I can wash dishes.
Don't turn the radio on now, I want the battery to be up when the Grand Ole Opry comes on.
No! I don't have 10 cents for you to go to the show. Do you think money grows on trees?
Eat those turnips, they'll make you big and strong like your daddy.
That is NOT coming in this house! I don't care how cold it is out there, dogs don't stay in the house..
Sit still! I'm trying to get your hair cut straight and you keep moving and it is all messed up.
Hush your mouth! I don't want to hear words like that! I'll wash your mouth out with soap!
It is time for your system to be cleaned out. I am going to give you a dose of castor oil tonight.
If you get a spanking in school and I find out about it, you'll get another one when you get home.
Quit crossing your eyes! They will get stuck that way!
Soak your foot in this pan of kerosene so that bad cut won't get infected.
When you take your driving test, don't forget to signal each turn.
left arm straight out the window for a left turn;
left arm bent up at the elbow for a right turn;
and straight down to the side of the door when you are going to stop.
It's: 'Yes Ma'am!' and 'No Ma'am!' to me, young man, and don't you forget it!
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Non-serious health advice
|
Posted:Feb 10, 2013 11:29 am
Last Updated:Feb 11, 2013 10:10 am 2120 Views
|
Non-serious health advice:
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.
Is this true?
A: The heart is only good for so many beats, and that is it.
Don't waste heart beats on exercise. Everything will wear out
eventually.
Speeding up a heart does not make you live longer. It is like
saying you extend the life of car by driving faster.
Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine.
That mean they take water out of fruity bits, so you get even
more of goodness that way.
Beer is made of grain, another healthy food group.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: If you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one.
Q: What are the advantages of being in a regular exercise
program?
A: I Can't think of single one, sorry.
My philosophy is: No pain... good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried is full of vegetable oil.
How could getting more vegetable be bad?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around
the middle?
A: No. When you exercise a muscle, it get bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are You crazy? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa beans- another vegetable!
It is the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for figure, explain a whale to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Well, 'Round' is shape, isn't it?
I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets...
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
