never listen to seniors
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Posted:Mar 21, 2015 9:50 am
Last Updated:Mar 24, 2015 10:01 am 1973 Views
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A couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. They had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It wasn't locked, so they entered and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved "I love you, Sally".
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. She counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, 'We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic."
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?
Sally said, "No."
Jerry said, "She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, 'Don't believe him, he’s getting senile."
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said. "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Jerry said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ..."
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "Were outta here!"
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job at the calendar factory
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Posted:Feb 22, 2015 10:34 am
Last Updated:Feb 24, 2015 10:28 am 2019 Views
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I lost my job at the calendar factory, and the only thing I did wrong was to take a day off...
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the white wedding dress
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Posted:Feb 16, 2015 10:47 am
Last Updated:Mar 21, 2015 9:50 am 1944 Views
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A asked his mother, 'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother replies, ", it shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."
The thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his in surprise and says, ", all household appliances come in white."
He is still in intensive care, and recovery is very slow.
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getting smarter
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Posted:Feb 13, 2015 6:00 pm
Last Updated:Feb 16, 2015 10:45 am 2205 Views
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I don't think we get smarter as we get older.
I think we just run out of stupid things to do...
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some historical trivia [for those who don't know it all]
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Posted:Jan 11, 2015 3:57 pm
Last Updated:Feb 13, 2015 6:00 pm 2221 Views
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HISTORICAL TRIVIA
Did you know the saying "God willing and the Creek don't rise" was in reference to the Creek Indians and not a body of water? It was written by Benjamin Hawkins in the late 18th century. He was a politician and Indian diplomat. While in the south, Hawkins was requested by the President of the U.S. to return to Washington . In his response, he was said to write, "God willing and the Creek don't rise." Because he capitalized the word "Creek" it is deduced that he was referring to the Creek Indian tribe and not a body of water.
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In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are 'limbs,' therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the expression, 'Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg.' (Artists know hands and arms are more difficult to paint)
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As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May and October) Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term 'big wig... ' Today we often use the term 'here comes the Big Wig' because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.
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In the late 1700's, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining. The 'head of the household' always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal.. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one sitting in the chair the 'chair man.' Today in business, we use the expression or title 'Chairman' or 'Chairman of the Board.'
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Personal hygiene left much room for improvement.. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face she was told, 'mind your own bee's wax.' Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term 'crack a smile'. In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt . .. . Therefore, the expression 'losing face.'
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Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified woman, as in 'straight laced' wore a tightly tied lace.
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Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the 'Ace of Spades...' To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't 'playing with a full deck..'
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Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to 'go sip some Ale and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. 'You go sip here' and 'You go sip there.' The two words 'go sip' were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term 'gossip.'
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At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in 'pints' and who was drinking in 'quarts,' hence the phrase 'minding your 'P's and Q's'.
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I’ll bet you didn't know this!
In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem....how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a 'Monkey' with 16 round indentations. However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make 'Brass Monkeys.' Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled.. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right off the monkey; Thus, it was quite literally, 'Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.' (All this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn't you.)
If you don't send this fabulous historic knowledge to all of your unsuspecting friends... absolutely nothing will happen.
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THINGS I LEARNED BY WATCHING MOVIES:
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Posted:Jan 2, 2015 3:29 pm
Last Updated:Mar 24, 2015 10:03 am 2244 Views
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THINGS I LEARNED BY WATCHING MOVIES:
During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
Most dogs are immortal.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place or pathway to the secret chamber..
No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it.
The Chief of Police is always black.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from anywhere in the universe.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and never have time to eat it.
Cars that crash will burst into flames.
The Chief of Police will either suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to solve the case.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.
Medieval peasants were clean and had perfect teeth.
Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds -unless it's the door to a burning building with a trapped inside.
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old .
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
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a mother's milk [another inane observation]
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Posted:Dec 6, 2014 1:31 pm
Last Updated:Jan 8, 2015 12:22 pm 2095 Views
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Supposedly this came straight from Scotland. Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.
However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the .
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A.
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book on being scammed
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Posted:Aug 15, 2014 9:38 pm
Last Updated:Jan 8, 2015 12:23 pm 2296 Views
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On Ebay I ordered a book on how to avoid getting scammed.
The pages were blank...
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at the pub
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Posted:Jul 29, 2014 1:20 pm
Last Updated:Aug 15, 2014 9:37 pm 2281 Views
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I was in a bar the other night and overheard three hefty women talking. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, " Hello, ladies are you three lassies from Scotland?"
One of the angrily screeched, "It's Wales, you bloody idiot, Wales!"
So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"
...and that's the last thing I remember.
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the push-up
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Posted:Jun 26, 2014 8:45 am
Last Updated:Mar 25, 2015 12:01 pm 2177 Views
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My arms are getting weak. That single push-up I did just before Christmas now seems like it was a waste of time...
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