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Jay The article on alcoholism and whether it is an addiction or a disease has helped me to understand some of what Jay was going through. I'd like to tell you about Jay. I met him back in 1998; he was the boy next door. He came over to fix my furnace that wasn't lighting properly by orders of his brother who owned the mobile home I was renting at the time. I'd seen Jay before, waved when I saw him but I really didn't check him out as so to speak until the day he arrived to fix my furnace. I heard a knock on my back door and when I answered it, I was face to face with the bluest eyes I had ever seen. He must have been sober that day as his eyes weren't bloodshot but rather they were dancing and full of life. I felt as though I was swimming in them at the time. He had to introduce himself twice before I responded; I was so mesmerized by those eyes. When I came out of my trance, I began to notice that his smile reached all the way to the corners of his eyes. They were moon shaped and very inviting. I had to look away as I didn't want him to think I was staring but then I noticed a few hairs were peeking out of the top two buttons that were undone. I thought, "Wow, blue eyes and a hairy chest, be still my beating heart." Yeah I like men with hairy chests. Wooo Hooo He fixed my furnace while we chatted and then he left as quietly as he arrived. It was several months after that before he got up the nerve to ask me out to dinner. I didn't realize it at the time but Jay was very shy. You wouldn't have known that being around him though. He knew several people at the restaurant we went too and it seemed everywhere we'd go he'd know someone. We had a lot of fun that night. We talked for hours about every day happenings in our lives. The one thing he was most proud of was his . He said that she was the only thing that he ever did right. I didn't know it at the time but he really did mean that with all sincerity. Jay's life was in turmoil and I didn't have a clue. We dated for quite awhile and I came to love this very compassionate and loving man. He wore his heart on his sleeve and would give you his shirt off of his back if he thought you needed it. It wasn't until we started living together that I began to sense that something was very wrong. He started drinking more and more but yet like all alcoholics he hid it well. I only got flashes that there was a problem. He started spiraling down and beginning to spin out of control. He was never an abusive man while drinking, actually just the opposite. He became clingy to the point he was suffocating. He was always apologetic after a drinking spree and would bend over backwards to try to make things right. But I think the monster called alcoholism just had too tight of a grip on him. He went to three different rehab centers trying to get sober. While I don't think the first two were because he wanted too, I think he did it for me. Maybe the third rehab was for himself, he said it was, but he left too soon and I will always have some doubts about his decision to go in. I loved this man truly, madly and deeply. But the monster was too strong. I tried to put on my armor and battle it for Jay but as we all know we cannot beat the monster for the alcoholic, the alcoholic has to want to beat it themselves. I am sure in Jay's way he did want to win this battle but he simply didn't have the strength. After wishing, hoping and praying for nearly ten years I had to make the most difficult decision I have ever had to make and that was to walk away from Jay. I told him that I would not and could not watch him die. It was exactly one year after we had separated that Jay started having more serious medical problems. He endured several seizures, he would wake up in the mornings vomiting, he would have blood in his stool, he would shake so bad that he couldn't read the morning paper. He would always joke and say the paper was stuttering. After having some tests done he found out that he had ulcers, his esophagus had tiny holes that allowed his stomach cavity to fill up with fluid that had to be drained. Then he found out that his liver was not functioning as it should. They had to go in and put a stent in his liver in the hopes that it would rejuvenate itself. But before his liver could have a chance to repair itself, his kidneys started failing. They tried to do dialysis but his blood pressure kept dropping out. The doctors were running out of options and Jay was running out of time. I guess God felt it was time to take Jay into his arms because after the second dialysis didn't work, all of Jay's organs started failing one by one until he was gone. The week he was in the hospital I had this overwhelming feeling that something was very very wrong. It was a Wednesday and I don't remember what was said or if I was listening to a song we both liked, but the feeling was so strong it stopped me in my tracks and I had to hold myself because I was rattling apart at the seams. I tried to call but didn't get an answer. I tried several times. Of course I had no idea he was in the hospital and things were going badly. I kept telling myself that everything was okay and to get it together, that if something was that wrong someone would have called me. That night I dreamt that Jay had died. I woke up screaming and sobbing. Again I talked myself out of what I knew to be true. See Jay and I had this connection that was mind boggling. We just knew what the other was feeling. He'd often call out of the blue and ask "What's wrong Babe?". I miss that connection ... and I miss Jay even though I know if he were still here on Earth, he would not be sober. And it's frustrating to know that he is sober now and I can't be with him. I wish I had some encouraging words to say to those of you who are feeling helpless about your loved one being held hostage by alcoholism but unfortunately I don't. I loved Jay while we were together even though I was angry that alcohol was taking over a very loving man, when I asked him to leave because I couldn't deal with it any longer, and now ... even though he is gone. When you have a situation such as this, a lot of angry words are said. But I pray that Jay is looking down on me with the same laughter that we shared in life and he knows how much I loved him and still do. It's very difficult getting a handle on your feelings. Some days are better than others. But keep the faith that time heals all wounds. Good Luck and God Bless! |
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9/22/2010 8:17 pm |
Excellent blog! I can relate!
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9/22/2010 8:46 pm |
Alcoholism knows no gender, no race and no specific age to become addicted.. To break the cycle it takes just one huge inner strength, that is to be in love with something other than an induced state that drinking brings about. For most alcoholics, its not the taste, its all about the buzz, the buzz that grabs hold of you and will let go until your totally drunk beyond repair for that evening or day(s) Every accholic knows they can not and will not stop after having that first drink...But, they do it anyway.. One must be strong enough Not to take the first drink. One drink is not enough and two is never the limit... Why is that some people can be social drinkers, 1. 2 or 3 and then STOP? The answer is .... WE don't know, many have theories but there is no scientific data as why some can stop and others can not.. I have read extensively about these theories; low dopamine levels , ignorance, bla bla..All theories nothing factual I am sorry for your loss and God Bless!!
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10/10/2010 1:30 pm |
Thank you soooo much, Firechild....Your blog brought back so many memories of my past...both in my dad and a marriage. Time does heal things....just know in your heart you did the best you could for this man. He is "up" there and he definetly knows it.
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