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Friends as an Ex ? Here’s an interesting article. There are many of us who have become friends with an ex. Sometimes it happens I a good way. I remember a woman I knew years ago. She had become pregnant at 16 and married the father of her baby. Once they both graduated from reading comic books behind each other’s backs they realized that their marriage of convenience was not working so divorced. It was years later when I knew them and their was grown but they were still good friends. When 2 people have together they are forever bonded, no matter what else may happen. Many of us were faced with this dilemma. Our marriages or partnerships ended but we had to maintain contact because there were involved. Once the initial emotions associated with divorce or separation was over most of us managed to do that amicably. Still others were never able to accomplish a peaceful co-existence. However, other than being together at major ’s events I don’t think I would be able to socialize with an ex. It would be too awkward. How to be Friends With an Ex November 15, 2012 at 12:00 am By Yemaya ext. 5143 Do You Have to Let Them Go? Perception can change how you view anything, and it plays a major part in every relationship. Some relationships are meant to end, and we have to realize that if that person was toxic or abusive, you are better off simply letting go and moving on. However if you have good interactions with that person and it just didn’t work out for you romantically, the following tools can help you remain friends! 1. First of all, you must give time to the process of healing. No matter what they say, or what you say, rarely is a “break up” an equally mutual pursuit! So there is a process to go through and your emotions will vary. You might, at times, focus blame on the other person, and/or feel guilt for your own actions. Until there’s a bit of balance to your lives you cannot build the foundation for your friendship. My advice is to allow a minimum of two weeks for a short dating stint, and at least six months of healing time for longer dating relationships. You need time to really allow whatever ill will “residue” that’s built up in your relationship to subside. 2. Can you be friends? Aside from any behavior that the other deemed toxic or abusive, it may be that one or the other is simply not willing to put aside any residual anger or resentment. You must both be able to let it go at some point, and that’s when you get to build the foundation that could create a deep and long-term friendship. Really think about what attracted you to that person in the first place? If you began as friends, what aspects of their personality did you enjoy the most when you first got together? Now think about what you learned to like about them and what you came to respect. 3. Create ground rules for when, where, or how you think it wisest to hang out. My suggestion is to be very clear about the first few get-togethers. For instance if you do NOT want to be intimate with them, do not set up night time “dates” with just the two of you. If friendship is really what you want, keep to group outings or very public events—preferably not alone. You can graduate the friendship to longer, more intense gatherings once you have proven you both can handle the connection without drama. Be sure to talk about when you start dating others—that’s a danger zone! 4. Once you have made the decision that the relationship is over, and you have taken the time to heal, and are now settling into the idea of being friends, you must stick to the new friendship and not go back to the romantic relationship you used to have. The issues that lead up to the break up—off limits! The intimacies of being sexual partners—off limits! The old resentments and taunts and teases based on the closeness you had as a romantic couple—negotiable, but still off limits without ground rules. You have to retrain yourselves to not be a couple anymore, but to be individuals, with the respectful distance around emotional or intimate issues Spiritwoman ^i^ |
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I was friend with my ex and we got along good because of our children and I got along with his family after the divorce. In fact some of the nieces and nephews still call me aunt When he died the children and I went to the funeral and set with the family.
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11/16/2012 10:00 am |
I could go either way on this question with my second wife, though I'd have to think about it. But she lives on the other end of the state and I haven't seen or heard anything from or about her in well over a decade. With my first wife, I'd hoped we could get along cos it would have been SO much better for my sons. But as far as I know, even tho my kids are long grown up, she's still very bitter at me. (But I have never asked either of them, so I can't be sure.) Interesting to ponder this stuff tho. GBU, Gavin GREETINGS EARTHLINGS! I COME IN PEACE! TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER. Klatu, baraba nicto.
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11/16/2012 10:19 am |
I was friend with my ex and we got along good because of our children and I got along with his family after the divorce. In fact some of the nieces and nephews still call me aunt When he died the children and I went to the funeral and set with the family. Spiritwoman ^i^
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11/16/2012 10:23 am |
My story with my children's father is much the same, especially the part about realizing there was something wrong with my decision in the first place but hanging in becasue we had children. The need for contact did resurface, however, when the grand children were born, but that was brief. Spiritwoman ^i^
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11/16/2012 10:24 am |
Sounds like you did well managing the situation. I never had the in-law issue as they lived across the country. His brothers were equally far away and never made any effort to contact me post divorce. Spiritwoman ^i^
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11/16/2012 10:26 am |
You're right about me not wanting to be a difficult person. I also did not want to put my children in a difficult situation. It's a difficult time for them and they should not be forced to divide loyalties. They need to know it is OK to love both parents even if the parents no longer love each other. Spiritwoman ^i^
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11/16/2012 10:31 am |
I could go either way on this question with my second wife, though I'd have to think about it. But she lives on the other end of the state and I haven't seen or heard anything from or about her in well over a decade. With my first wife, I'd hoped we could get along cos it would have been SO much better for my sons. But as far as I know, even tho my kids are long grown up, she's still very bitter at me. (But I have never asked either of them, so I can't be sure.) Interesting to ponder this stuff tho. GBU, Gavin Spiritwoman ^i^
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Excellent article!
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11/16/2012 12:36 pm |
Excellent article! Spiritwoman ^i^
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11/16/2012 2:21 pm |
I can understand your scenario with wife #2. My children's father was much the same. It was difficult on the girls but in the end he was the looser because they saw his bitterness and my conciliatory efforts for what they were. TY for ur reply, but I just had to comment on it. I too "won" in the end, cos both my sons regard me with tons more respect and trust than they do their mom. But I'd prefer they had respect for BOTH of us, cos it would be better for them in the long run if they believed they were the product of TWO good parents instead of just one. In my my first divorce, I dont think she left me cos she wanted to end the relationship. I think she did it cos she wanted more impact on me. But she had worn me out. I had long before come to realize there was no way I was ever going to please her, and I'd given up trying. I just couldn't be sad that she left me, and for that fact, I don't think she'll ever forgive me. I think now, she has to stay mad, or she'd have to feel guilty. That's all I can guess anyway. Back when I was dealing with Friend of the Court, after 3 or 4 years of it I asked the caseworker, and it was the only reason she could imagine for it. Guess I felt inspired to vent. I'd NEVER talk like this to my sons! Not even now! GBU, Gavin GREETINGS EARTHLINGS! I COME IN PEACE! TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER. Klatu, baraba nicto.
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11/16/2012 10:46 pm |
You're right about me not following the "rules"., but then I don't follow the rules for anything. The only reason I maintained any contact with my ex was becasue I needed to communicate regarding the children. And also I would not put this kind of effort into re-establishing a relationship of any kind with someone I divorced. As a matter of fact I don't put all that much effort into initiating a relationship. If it doesn't happen without being "forced" it doesn't happen. Why? If a relationship is forced it won't work out on the long run anyway. I do still exchange e-mails on occasion with an ex boyfriend of about 5 years ago but that is a different matter. It was a fairly amicable split, there was no great overwhelming love thus no animosity and I actually feel gratitude for the split as my life took off in a much more interesting and profitable direction. Things didn't go that well for him as his health has declined significantly and he has few friends. Spiritwoman ^i^
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11/16/2012 10:47 pm |
Interesting as my reactions were much the same. I would get upset becasue I had to have contact with my ex husband, mostly becasue the reason I divorced him was to get him out of my life. Pretty naive thoughts since we had children. Spiritwoman ^i^
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I have no experience with or of and Ex. All that I can say is that he or she is someone who I would shared some very happy times with. I shall remember them without seeking a repeat.  A very nice post which should help many. Have a wonderful day.  "To fight the darkness do not draw your sword, light a candle" - Zarathustra
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