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Friends with Benefits I am not a regular TV watcher but usually have it on while painting for background sounds. The other day whatever mindless daytime show was on included a spirited discussion between the commentators about friends with benefits. Their discussion was inconclusive, some in favor, some opposed. Got me thinking. Personally I am a life long social liberal with European sexual attitudes, have traveled in a sophisticated social circle most of my life and am a practicing pagan so the concept of friends with benefits is not a new idea for me. I know many of our generation are very conservative and don’t even want to consider the idea but the discussion brought out any valid points. There are many circumstances where this arrangement works. Some are just plain disinterested in an emotional relationship but still want the social and physical connection with someone. Friends with benefits provides this. Many people live in temporary situations for various reasons such as school / work relocations or life in transition. Their lives are too unsettled to accommodate an emotional relationship that may or may not fit their uncertain future. Some people, particularly many in the senior range, have established places and roles in their families, lives they do not want to disrupt but they still need / want the social and physical parts of a relationship. Many who are unhappily divorced or widowed find it too hard to consider another emotional investment. The chance of more pain is just too overwhelming so they choose friends with benefit as a way to avoid the potential. Similarly most newly single formerly marrieds need time to adjust. Healing comes in stages. Being friends with benefits is a starting point. Some have idiosyncrasies that tend to be too difficult on others so friends with benefits allows them intimacy without having to subject others to quirks that can be difficult to impossible for to live with. Some are too caught up in their own lives and responsibilities to have the time and / or energy to give a partner all of the attention they deserve. Of course both parties need to understand the boundaries and limits of such an arrangement. they also be prepared to deal the possibility that in spite of best intentions things might lead to the very emotional involvement they seek to avoid - but in the right situation friends with benefits can be the best situation for some. I know some must wonder about my personal situation I have never been one to shy away from a challenge. My life has been long, active and filled with adventures, twists, turns and some switch backs. I have been in friends with benefits situations and also in deep emotional relationships. For me both worked when the circumstances were right. Once again there is no right or wrong, just choices. Spiritwoman ^i^ |
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1/18/2011 11:54 pm |
Appreciate your open, non-judgmental stance. Very sage observations here.
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Great subject, Much more to it, than meets the eye. Although, I don't feel it's about choice, as much as it is about our inability to make a choice. I always wondered why, in personal relationships, we can not transition from one phase of our lives to another. We cannot make changes, based on the idea of choice. The answer has always been our inability to see ourselves any differently, no matter which phase we are in. Our goals and expectations in the earlier phases may not be condusive to having "friends with benefits". Our apparent choice will be... it's the wrong thing to do. The failure of most of us to accept the transition to the later stages of life, means we can not accept that "friends with benefits" can now become a choice. We will maintain the idea that it's simply a wrong choice. The liberal minded will determined it's a wrong choice for themselves. The conservative minded will determined it's the wrong choice for everyone. You have articulated the viability of "friends with benefits" as a choice, yet this point will fall on deaf ears. Our past goals and expectations will justify themselves by turning a deaf ear. We would like to think that when we get old, ideas can become simpler, better understood through experiences, valued properly, and defined better. You'd think we would have acquired a better idea of what's really important. Yet, the observation of us "old folks" is that the changing and accepting of new ideas is not the chalk of life.... but the eraser.
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Good blog!!!!
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Ok, My first response is about how we all think.....This response is about what makes me laugh! Men are from Mars......Women from Venus Men like blowing bubbles...Women like bursting bubbles! LOL Women can have men friends, that take care of her needs: Like fix her plumbing, polish her silveware, change her tires, and cook dinner for her. Men can have women friends, that take care of his needs: Like... fix his plumbing, polish his knob, change his oil, and do dessert! So my conclusion..... in regards to "friends with benefits" is...... Some women, find the term offensive because they don't consider sex a benefit! LMAO!
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1/19/2011 4:08 pm |
I have friends. With out benefits. AND, I've lost friends. Because I didn't ask (or was to slow to ask) for benefits. What's a guy to do?
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4/29/2012 9:44 am |
I realize this blog is over a year old, but just found it........Apparently I just entered one of these FWB relationships last night. We had "dated" for several months, liked it each very much, but he is not emotionally available. So we discussed this, and my thinking, "what the heck" for the time being. We both enjoy each other's company & we both also want some physical contact- while there is no one else in the picture, and there hasn't been for either of us in a while...I guess we'll just play it by ear...I realize either one of us could get hurt. It was easier in the 70's, lol!
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