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WHAT MEN EXPECT FROM WOMEN Here is an interview by Jim Burns with Shaunti Feldhahn, a known syndicated newspaper columnist, author and speaker who recently wrote a book, 'For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men.' Excerpts of the interview are as follows with some observations also given : Men would rather feel unloved than inadequate and disrespected. Husbands need to know that their wives respect them both privately and publicly. Men thrive when they know that their wives trust them, admire them and believe in them. Shaunti Feldhahn’s research indicated that men would rather sense the loss of loving feelings from their wives than to be disrespected by them. A man’s anger is often a response to feeling disrespected by his wife. When a husband becomes angry with his wife, he may not come out and say, “You’re disrespecting me!” But, there is a good likelihood that he is feeling stung by something his wife has done which he considers disrespectful and humiliating. Men are insecure. Men are afraid that they aren’t cutting it in life -- not just at work, but at home, in their role as a husband. They may never vocalize this, but inwardly, they are secretly vulnerable. The antidote? Affirmation. To men, affirmation from their wives is everything! If they don’t receive this affirmation from their wives, they’ll seek it elsewhere. When they receive regular and genuine affirmation from their wives (not flattery, by the way), they become much more secure and confident in all areas of their lives. Men feel the burden of being the provider for their family. Intellectually, it doesn’t matter how much or little a man makes, or whether or not his wife makes more or less money in her career. Men simply bear the emotional burden of providing for their family. It’s not a burden they’ve chosen to bear. Men are simply wired with this burden. As such, it is never far from their minds and can result in the feeling of being trapped. While wives cannot release their husbands from this burden, they can relieve it through a healthy dose of appreciation, encouragement and support. Men want more sex. Everyone’s natural response to this is probably, “Duh!” But, that response is probably for the wrong reason. We primarily assume that men want more sex with their wives due to their physical wiring (their “needs”  . But, surprisingly, Shaunti Feldhahn’s research showed that the reason men want more sex is because of their strong need to be desired by their wives. Men simply need to be wanted. Regular, fulfilling sex is critical to a man’s sense of feeling loved and desired. Sex means more than sex. When men feel their wives desire them sexually, it has a profound effect on the rest of their lives. It gives them an increasing sense of confidence and well-being that carries over into every other area of his life. The flipside of this coin also carries a profoundly negative affect. When a husband feels rejected sexually, he not only feels his wife is rejecting him physically, but that she is somehow rejecting his life as a husband, provider and man. This is why making sex a priority in marriage is so incredibly important! Men struggle with visual temptation. This means the vast majority of men respond to visual images when it comes to women. And, this doesn’t just mean the guys with wandering eyes. Even the most godly husband cannot avoid noticing a woman who dresses in a way that draws attention to her body. Even if it is just a glance, these visual images are stored away in the male brain as a sort of “visual rolodex” that will reappear without any warning. Men can choose whether to dwell on these images and memories or dismiss them, but they can’t control when these images appear. Men enjoy romance, but doubt their skills to be romantic. True, many men appear to be unromantic clods, but it doesn’t mean that they want to be that way! Men want to be romantic, but they just doubt their ability to pull it off. They are plagued by internal hesitations, perceiving the risk of humiliation and failure as too high. Wives can do a great deal to increase their husbands’ confidence in their romantic skills through encouragement and redefining what romance looks like. For example, a wife may balk when her husband asks her to go along to the hardware store, but it’s likely that he’s asking because he sees it as a time they can get away as a couple and hang out together. What’s not romantic about that? Men care about their wife’s appearance. This isn’t saying that all men want their wives to look like the latest supermodel. What men really want is to know that their wives are making an effort to take care of themselves (and not letting themselves go) because it matters to them (the husbands!). Husbands appreciate the efforts their wives make to maintain their attractiveness. Men want their wives to know how much they love them. This was the number one response of men. Men aren’t confident in their ability to express this, but they love their wives dearly. Men want to show how much they love their wives and long for them to understand this fact. I believe most of the above are true in a generalised sort of way. . I believe communicaton remains the key and it must remain mutual rather than one sided for near perfect harmony. "To fight the darkness do not draw your sword, light a candle" - Zarathustra |
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Men care about their wife’s appearance. This isn’t saying that all men want their wives to look like the latest supermodel. What men really want is to know that their wives are making an effort to take care of themselves (and not letting themselves go) because it matters to them (the husbands!). Husbands appreciate the efforts their wives make to maintain their attractiveness. Where's the part that says "men also care about their own appearance"?  And...what Sing said.  The positive is there. Sometimes it's just hard to find.
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8/17/2009 9:04 pm |
Yup have to agree with what the woman have said above. PLUS....they would rather have us tell them how fantastic they are in bed (even through their performace needed more than some help) hear us lie and tell them what a stud they are rather then saying, "I LOVE YOU". Gosh many men must have an igo issue's. I'm looking to the future and it's out of sight, only in the end shall I take flight.
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8/18/2009 3:13 am |
AH the fickle nature of the male EGO thankfully i escaped that pit fall at an early age and see things for what they are
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8/18/2009 4:37 am |
Thank goodness I'm not a wife
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8/18/2009 10:50 am |
I appreciated the article, but women have egos also. This article does seem to put the blame on the wife. What about the wife's view!! I think the article did give the wife a lot of power over the poor misunderstood man!! I did learn a few things though. Thanks for the article!
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8/18/2009 11:07 am |
How about 2 things.....Bring beer and show up naked "The cause of America is in a great measure the cause of all mankind."....T. Paine
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Takes two to Tango......I am not seeing the give & take here of RESPECT!!! It should NOT be about what either NEEDS or GETS.. GETS.. GETS.. how about two not so needy people coming together for the enjoyment of them as a COUPLE? And Richard you forget the hot wings...ROFL Some believe in destiny, some believe in fate. I believe that happiness is something we create 
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I agree with AZ... Men are really easy to please...If you know the secret. There's no blueprint, no instruction manual. Although most men have different criteria, the basic premise is still the same. Men gravitate towards women that make them feel good about themselves, yet have a strange propensity to fuel the fire when they don't. The male ego needs to be fed....even inspite of itself, and inspite of itself... will spite itself.
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I have come to believe people read into things, that which suit their own thinking. Even to the point off putting things in there that aren't. There is no "blame" here........ There is no "pointing fingers" here,( except by you ladies) You ladies, may think, it's a ploy.... but maybe It's something you always wanted to know....so you could adamantly reject. Much like the men in your life. From a mans point of view the blog is mostly the truth. It also seems to me..."YOU CAN'T STAND THE TRUTH" Again It's so obvious...In my final analysis....you ladies probably have known it all the time, just can't admit it, and can't pull it off. The mistake you make is to respect the men you don't have, and find fault with the one's you do! ...Or at least conctantly send the message... The men in your life need to change and affecting that change is somehow a measure of your womenhood. Men struggle to fullfill the needs of the women in their lives, And although some men "Frankly don't give a damn", Most men simply give up, because the more they try themore it is expected. I am not making these statement as a slam to women......Just those that don't know how to READ!
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Star... men don't sit around and figure what a women are suppose to do. to boost their ego. it either happens or it doesn't.... What most ladies haven't figure out is it 's not the major things. Men don't want to be taken care of. It's the small things (no pun intended) that count...but no ones counting them except you ladies. the irony of love is that you can't MAKE someone feel good about themselves it doesn't work that way. Be yourself and you will find the masochist, or macho, or appreciative man you deserve.
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8/19/2009 1:08 pm |
And you ladies don't need reassured huh. Then quit asking "Does this make my butt look big"
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star, There absloutely is no specifics to any of this. The things women do, say, and act are both good for some men and bad for some men. The generalization is that the end result of of what a woman does or doesn't do, will need to make a man feel good about himself. Some men, can only feel good about "arm candy". Some men will need support and encouragement Some men will need to be physically "taken care of" Some men need to be controlled Some men need to feel independent Some men want a "Yes Sir" Some men want to be motivated Some men will just need to be loved And some men, live in Fantasyland, and want it all! But the point is.....whatever they want it all translates into feeling better about themselves. they will ultimately choose to be with that person, or find it somewhere else,
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Friendly ~~ Might I ask, was your marriage arranged? The positive is there. Sometimes it's just hard to find.
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Before I write individual responses, let me say who Shaunti Feldhahan is - this is almost straight from Wikipedia; those interested can verify that the author and her opinions are well considered and when she interviewed Jim Burns, she was not in a frame of mind that sought solely to tickle male ego or put down femininity. I do strongly recommend to all to read at least one of her works. "Shaunti Reidinger Feldhahn is the best-selling author of For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men. Feldhahn received her Bachelor’s degree in government and economics from The College of William & Mary in Virginia (Class of 1989); she then went on to serve on the staff of the U.S. Senate Banking Committee. She later attended Harvard’s Kennedy School of Government for a Master’s of Public Policy, which led her to work at the Federal Reserve Bank of New York during the time of the Japanese financial crisis. Feldhahn began her career as an author after moving to Atlanta to start a family. Her background as an analyst served as a launching point for opportunities to write about eye-opening topics, from a non-fictional work on the Y2K issue (Y2K: The Millennium Bug) to two spiritual fiction thrillers (The Veritas Conflict and The Lights of Tenth Street). While interviewing men to help her write The Lights on Tenth Street, which has a male protagonist, Feldhahn made a series of observations that compelled her to return to the non-fiction world, leading her to write For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men. For Women Only, a bestseller, attempts to provide readers with insight into the inner lives of men and the challenges they face. Feldhahn (co-authoring with her husband, Jeff, and Lisa Rice) continued the series by authoring For Men Only, For Young Women Only, and For Parents Only. In addition, Feldhahn is a weekly opinion columnist for the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, debating hot topics with her left-leaning counterpart, Andy Sarvady, from her right-leaning perspective (Woman to Woman Column). The column is printed in fifty newspapers around the country, including the the Chicago Tribune, the Detroit Free Press, and the Seattle Times." It is also necessary that something be said about Jim Burns. He is an aviator turned science fiction illustrator who won the Hugo Award for best professional artist, he has been pursuing the latter and his present profession since 1972. Overall he has won 12 BFSA awards. I believe nothing more needs to be said about him. MY AIM IN PUTTING UP THE EXCERPTS ABOVE WAS CERTAINLY NOT TO STIR UP AN HORNETS' NEST. It was simply to give another perspective without offending anyone which seems to been the case as I seem to have done. If I have, let me apologise. I believe agreement and one sided opinions lead to all the ills that are analogous to sycophancy and brushing of the reality under the carpet. I could have simply written something which pleased all the ladies as well as most of the gentlemen but WITHOUT SOME DISSENT, ANY ACTIVITY, IDEA OR SOCIETY BECOMES A VICTIM OF STAGNATION. Therefore, let me thank all of you who so, kindly recorded your opinions here irrespective of their colouration.  Govind "To fight the darkness do not draw your sword, light a candle" - Zarathustra
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SingtoMySoul , You just sang to my soul - I agree totally that it is a controllable choice but a little introspection by both helps - would you agree ??Accomodation on the part of both helps. It should never be that wife gives in, it is accomodation but when hubby gives in it is surrender or vice versa. Many thanks. "To fight the darkness do not draw your sword, light a candle" - Zarathustra
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RedRidingHood , The part about the 'men care about their own appearance' is also in the book though not in the interview excerpts. I know that of many places, men's beauty parlours are doing a flourishing business and those men are certainly not fairies. Exceptions in both the genders only prove the rule. Many thanks for your visit and asking the question. "To fight the darkness do not draw your sword, light a candle" - Zarathustra
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Starphysh , I am sorry to know of the reason of your being single. Let me also state that the unsuccessful relationships that you were in were so despite your best efforts to nurture them. We certainly, in our lives, come across many situations where, for reasons unknown, our best efforts do not prove to be good enough to secure what we seek. Absence of happiness in a relationship does not mean that all women or men are 'unrelatable' (is there such a term ) otherwise those same people would not have had other successful relationships.I like the boss or baby relationship facet of relationship that you candidly brought forth. Indeed, any person would be wise to drop such a partner. However, I would want to caution myself that before I conclude my final judgement of my partner, I have evaluated myself correctly - this is certainly not to say that you or ladies similarly affected have not done their bit of introspection. Many thanks for sharing your experiences - I am certainly wiser because of your three visits here and to my other post. "To fight the darkness do not draw your sword, light a candle" - Zarathustra
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MissionControl , I am sure there are some men in that category  - self appraisal is an art not many can master in both the sexes.Many thanks for the visit. "To fight the darkness do not draw your sword, light a candle" - Zarathustra
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BlaclpoolBloke , Egos are usually destructive; it seems when God armed us with this weapon, the intention was for both the genders to use it positively. The malady is that many use it otherwise. I have another doctrine - it is called the EGTA - 'ego greater than ability' and majority of us are its victims. Many thanks for visiting my space ."To fight the darkness do not draw your sword, light a candle" - Zarathustra
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BlueJeans , 'Thank goodness you are not a wife' and let me assure you that no woman need be a wife to be a lady. Conversely, being a wife or a husband without abandoning one's ladylike or gentlemanly attributes is possible as is to stay otherwise . Best wishes and many thanks for your visit ."To fight the darkness do not draw your sword, light a candle" - Zarathustra
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60MinMan , May I suggest that you write a book on that - many thanks for your visit.I shall request an autographed copy. "To fight the darkness do not draw your sword, light a candle" - Zarathustra
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TangoTime , Many thanks for your visit but I recommend that all of us read this book and also some of her others. Best wishes ."To fight the darkness do not draw your sword, light a candle" - Zarathustra
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Ktsmeow , I believe Shaunti's book and this interview are quite balanced and apportion equal responsibility to both the partners in a relationship to make it work. Initially, on my first reading, I thought that the interview expected too much from the woman but on reading the book and the interview thereafter, I found that I had formed an opinion simply basing it on some portions of the latter that appear favourable to men - nothing could be farther from the truth. I have added therefore some words of my own for amplification. Having read this book, I went on to read two more of Shaunti Feldhahan and believe that this Lady is not a radical of any kind but someone who relies on her opinions using the combination of intellect and investigation. Many thanks for your visit - best wishes. ."To fight the darkness do not draw your sword, light a candle" - Zarathustra
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MichianaRedhead , Indeed it takes two to tango . Never shall an unequal relationship work.When there is mutual respect, beer, turning up naked and hot wings naturally, easily and I shall quite happily follow. Many thanks for the visit - my best wishes ."To fight the darkness do not draw your sword, light a candle" - Zarathustra
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h5322rsh , Shaunti's book is great and yes, you did get this interview which could be excerpts of the book .Orientation of humans is of no consequence when it comes to relationships; if we were to substitute men and women by using the word partner, the behaviour expected from would be that of equality, affection and mutual esteem. Let me also add that all living beings have no control over the orientation since it is believed to be genetically bestowed. Indeed, all ladies are lovely - and thank God for that. Many thanks for your visit ."To fight the darkness do not draw your sword, light a candle" - Zarathustra
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